Hate Me
by claudia1
Summary: what if Dean was the little brother. Sam still went away to college but he left his little brother with his dad figuring, foolishly, that he could trust his old man to take care of him. It has now been beta read
1. Chapter 1

**Notes:** Thank you to my beta Mago186

* * *

Sam, the big brother he used to look up to, left him with there dad to start a new life at college.

He had been just 14 at the time, but he had been old enough to know that he had just lost the only friend he would ever have. That thought alone had, in some small part, made realize just how fucking sad his life had become. He had known at 14 that college was a normal part of life. It was something most teenagers aspired to after finishing there high school education. It was average and Winchesters had never been a part of that average—until Sam.

Six years had past since the day and he could still remember the promises Sam had made to never leave him and to always be there for him. He wasn't naive enough to believe that Sam would stick by his side until they were old men. At 14, he had just wanted his big brother to love him enough to stay until he was at least 17. Then he would have been able to leave home without needing there dad's permission. But Sam had chosen to leave home while he was only 14. Sam had left him with a dad whose conversation skills were limited to a few words on his best days.

He could still remember the first two months after Sam had left home in surprising detail. For those two months, they had stayed in one place. He finally had the time to settle in one town. He had even made plans to go to the school dance. It had been the last time he had made any plans that involved high school.

Once those two months were over with, they never stayed in one place for longer than was necessary.

His education slowly became less important. He finally fell so far behind in school that dropping out had become his only option. It had been something that his dad had agreed with. He had known that the moment he began to miss large chunks of high school that it had been his dad's fault. How could he have a high school education? He was never in a town long enough to enrol in the local high school. Their dad had wanted to ensure that he would never be able to leave as Sam had done. It should have bothered him that their dad had stopped him from finishing high school, but what was the point. The hunt was going to kill him long before he could even begin to plan for a future.

Shortly after he had dropped out of high school, his training had become a lot more intense. His dad became more like a commander in charge of training a new recruit to the marines. Any plans he would have made to re-start his education never made it past his first thought. He embraced the hunt and he accepted the role he had been given in life.

Just six months before he made the journey to see Sam his dad had given him the keys to the Impala. It was the only gift that their dad had given to him without some serious strings attached. For a while, the idea that he had been freely given him the Impala made him happy. It wasn't a feeling that lasted.

During the four years that Sam had been at college, there had still been no contact. Any hurt that he had felt about being ignored by his big brother had long since disappeared. Any feelings he had for anyone were buried behind a wall deep within his heart. During those four years, he had learned that when it came to his feelings, it was better to suppress them. After those four years, he finally reached the decision to visit Sam. He had made it all the way to the only address he had for Sam. He had stood outside that address, knocked on the door, and with a naivety that he now found embarrassing, expected Sam to answer. All he got was a stranger who told him that Sam had moved out two months ago. He had been forced to listen to the stranger bitch about how badly Sam had been treated by his family. He could still remember the way he had held his gun too tightly that his hands ached for hours afterwards. He could remember the many thoughts of violence that filtered though his mind as he listened to the stranger bitch. He could still remember how much it had cost him to just walk away from the stranger without uttering a word in rebuke.

It was the one time other than today that he had made any effort to contact Sam.

Now six years had past since he had last seen Sam. Six years without any contact and he had changed. He was far harder and meaner than the 14-year-old boy his brother had known. Gone was the lust he once had for life. In its place was a bitter resentment that everything he wanted from life was ripped from his reach before he had the chance to achieve it. His body had also changed. He no longer looked like a scrawny kid who was far too skinny. He had the kind of body men envied and women wanted to fuck. More than once, he had been offered large sums of money in return for a sexual favour. It was an offer both men and women had made.

Six years without the influence of a big brother had changed him, but he wasn't sure if it was a change he could be proud of.

It had taken him several weeks, but he had managed to track Sam down for the second time. Sam was living in a nice apartment and training to be a lawyer. Sam had the kind of life that for him had always been nothing more than a whispered myth.

Standing outside Sam's apartment, all he wanted was to be someplace else. He wanted to be in a bar drinking an ice-cold beer and hustling some poor kid out of his college fund. He couldn't have that beer just yet. He needed Sam's help in finding their dad first.

Squaring his shoulders, he knocked on the door and waited for an answer. He only had to wait for a few minutes before Sam opened the door.

"Dean? Come in," Sam said, surprised to see his brother at his door.

"I don't have time for idle conversation just so you can catch up on six years of my life. I'm here to ask for your help in finding dad. He has been missing for the last three months. It's not like dad to go three months without contacting me," Dean replied.

While Dean had been speaking, Sam took the chance to take a good look at his brother. Dean had grown into a man that was too damn good looking. He could only speculate on just how muscular Dean was because he was still fully clothed. With the way Dean's t-shirt tightened across his chest, he knew that Dean must have a great body. He was surprised that his brother had made it to his apartment without being jumped upon or groped. Dean was beautiful. It was in that moment that he realized Dean was his baby brother and therefore off limits. As casually as he could manage, he said, "He could be busy. You know what dad can be like."

Narrowing his eyes at Sam's slight dig at their dad he coolly replied, "You have no idea what dad is like now. I need your help to find him. If you don't want to help me I won't bother you again."

"Dean, it's been six years. You can't just turn up on my doorstep like this and expect me to say yes." Sam did want to help his brother, but he could not just leave his life.

"I don't expect anything from you Sam. Expecting something from you would just lead to disappointment. I get that you have a life here; a life that so very obviously excludes your family. I was wrong to come here. You can't help me find dad. You just don't care enough for your family any more to make that much of an effort," Dean said as he turned away from Sam.

Without putting any thoughts into his actions, Sam grabbed hold of Dean to turn him back around only to find himself on the receiving end of a punch that knocked him on his ass.

Dean looked down at Sam said, "You don't get to touch me Sam. No one does."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes:** Thank you to my beta Mago186

* * *

Sam stared at the retreating form of his brother as he got up from the floor. He tired to stop the red veil of anger from falling, but failed. How dare Dean tell him that he didn't care enough to help find their dad! He cared plenty; he just had a life now that didn't include the supernatural. He had friends who had no idea about Sam the hunter. He had a normal life.

He knew that as a brother he should care for Dean a lot more than he did. He had done nothing but look after and care for Dean for 14 years. It was selfish, but he deserved a life where he wasn't a surrogate parent to his brother. He knew that he was in the wrong for not contacting his family for six years, but once the first two months had passed without his making any effort to contact his family it became easier to continue like that. It became easier to ignore his family. Running back into his apartment, he grabbed his keys off a nearby table and went after his brother.

Dean walked away from his brother's apartment with various thoughts running though his mind. His first and most prevailing thought was why didn't he hit Sam harder?

It had taken a lot out of him to ask Sam for help. He hadn't wanted to admit that he needed Sam's help. He was 20 years old and that made him more than old enough to deal with their missing dad on his own. However, life was rarely that simple or so easy. He tried everything he knew to find their dad and when none of that had worked he tried a few "off the beaten road" ideas. Nothing had worked.

He had gone to Sam's apartment as a last resort. When he had walked away from Sam, it was with every intention of getting into the Impala and driving away, but he wasn't ready to leave.

He was still making a decision on whether to find a pool hall or not so he could earn some much needed money when he heard Sam calling out his name. Turning round he watched as Sam crossed the road to reach him. It would be so very easy for him to leave. Instead he stood still and waited for his brother to reach him.

"I'll help you find dad. It's not going to be all that hard to find him," Sam said as he avoided looking Dean in the eye. If Dean wasn't his brother, the very last thing he would be doing was have a conversation with him.

Battering down his anger at Sam's less than tactful words, he replied, "Why are you here Sam? Because it's not for dad."

"I do want to help find our dad," Sam said putting a lot of emphasis on the words "our dad."

Snorting back the bark of laughter Dean said, "It's taken you six years and a visit from me to finally remember that you have a dad. Well done Sam, that pesky little thing called a moral conscious has finally decided to make a long overdue appearance. Go back to your apple pie life."

"You don't get to ask for my help and then refuse it. You don't get to do shit like that. I'm going to help you find dad and you are going to accept that help," Sam said determinedly.

"I'm not some fucking lapdog you get to give orders to! I'm not 14 years old any more and you haven't been my big brother for the last six years. Pulling the big brother act now isn't going to do a damn thing!" Dean snapped.

"Dean, you're acting like a kid who has a huge ass chip on your shoulder. I know five-year-olds who have better manners than you. You are a kid that needs to calm down," Sam said. He knew that he was being harsh with Dean, but Dean always knew what buttons to push when they argued.

"Name one damn time when I have been like any other kid!" Dean demanded.

"When you were seven years old dad didn't get you that toy car for Christmas. You refused to talk to him for three days," Sam replied, happy that he had found something to prove his point with.

"The year I turned seven, dad forgot it was my birthday and Christmas was just another day. At seven years old I was entitled to sulk when my own dad forgot my damn birthday," Dean snapped.

"Dad would never forget your birthday," Sam said.

Dean resisted the urge to tell Sam that he had a different view of their dad. To their dad, Sam had always been the favoured son and he was the son who didn't matter that much. He knew that to their dad he was a reminder of a wife that had been lost in a demonic fire. With a brief shrug of his shoulders he said "In the past 20 years he has remembered just 12 of my birthdays, but he has never missed one of yours. During the six years you made no effort to contact us, he still got you a birthday card. Before you come up with some smart-ass remark about me holding a grudge because of that I don't. It's just one of those things. You need to back away from my car. I need to find dad."

"_We_ have to find dad," Sam said. He wasn't going to let his little brother look for their dad alone.

Disbelief evident in his voice, Dean asked, "Can you just walk away from your life for a few months. After six years away from the hunt, you are rusty. You will not be able to walk back into the life of a hunter without any complications. Hell, it would kill you within the first two days."

"My skills are not rusty," Sam said, pissed that Dean no longer held any conviction in his ability as a hunter.

Looking his brother up and down Dean said, "Before I came here, I dealt with this woman in white who tried to kill me. The bitch flung me around like a damn rag doll. I ended up with bruises the colour of a rainbow and a couple of cracked ribs. It was one of the last jobs that dad was working on, but it gave me no real clues on where he could be. All I managed to get was a set of co-ordinates for another hunt. _You_ would not be able to pick yourself up after being thrown around like a rag doll by some pissed of spirit. You would be a liability."

"If that's true why are you here?" Sam asked.

"I didn't have a choice." Dean replied. He had wanted to tell Sam the truth. He wanted to tell Sam. He wanted to tell Sam that the hunt was becoming harder to do alone. The hunt wasn't harder because he lacked the talent or skill for it, it was because the loneliness was becoming too much.

Sam knew without question that Dean was lying. Every time Dean lied his eyes always shone with the truth. Taking a breath he asked, "Tell me the truth."

"That was the truth." Dean said refusing to admit to a lie. He wasn't going to let Sam have that kind of power over him.

"Bullshit man! When will you learn that I always know when you are lying?" Sam asked. He hated it that after six years apart, Dean couldn't trust him enough to tell him the truth.

"Fuck you Sam! This isn't a damn soap opera where I tell you what you want to hear," Dean spat. He was beginning to get pissed of. He never had an abundance of patience when it came to arguing with Sam.

"I just want you to tell me the truth," Sam implored.

"I only found out dad had been missing for two months when he didn't contact me as scheduled. I tried everything I could think of to find him. I even tried a few methods of finding him that were highly questionable, but none of it worked. It took me a month to run out of ways to find him. I came here for help. I needed a fresh pair of eyes on this hunt. And maybe there is this small part of me that is so fucking tired of being alone," Dean said softly.

"I'm sorry…"

"What are you sorry for? I'm not that fucking bitter or twisted that I blame you for leaving me with dad. I'm happy you got that college experience. You got to live that normal life. You had the chance to achieve a dream. What pisses me of is the total lack of contact for six years. I'm angry that you found it so damn easy to cut all ties with your family. How do I know that once I've found dad again you won't leave?" Dean asked.

"I promise I won't leave again straight away," Sam said knowing that it had been the wrong thing, but it wasn't going to being something he confessed to.

"Lucky me. So how long would I be graced with your presence?"

"You have to understand that I have a life here. I can't just walk away from that and never come back. Friends and work colleagues would worry," Sam said as he tired to explain to Dean why he could never rejoin the hunt on a permanent basis.

"I understand that family is no where near as important as the life you have now," Dean sneered. He had gone way past the point of being civil towards Sam. What was the damn point of being civil when Sam wanted to help, but only for as long as it suited him?

"Dean, once we find dad you can come back with me. I have a spare bedroom and you could enrol at the local college," Sam offered. He was hopeful that he could take Dean away from the life of a hunter and give him a life that was more normal.

He couldn't help the joyless laugh that escaped his lips. How could he go to college when he had never even finished his high school education?

"What's so funny?" Sam demanded.

"After you left, we moved around a lot more. Dad found more hunts that were on opposite sides of the country. I dropped out of high school because I fell so far behind it just wasn't worth going any more. I know dad made sure I wouldn't get to finish high school and I don't blame him. I knew he needed me more on the hunt. Sitting in a classroom, learning about some shit I will never use wasn't going to help me do that," Dean said.

In that moment, all Sam felt was complete and utter anger towards their dad. He had trusted their dad to look after Dean and ensure that he had something that resembled a normal life. He had never expected their dad to deny Dean the chance of finishing his high school education. "When I left I honestly believed that dad would look after you. I didn't think he would go and do this."

"Don't blame any of this on dad. He did his best for me. He may not have been the greatest father, but he has always been their when I've needed him." Dean said as he ran a hand over his head. He wasn't getting anywhere talking to Sam. He needed to get back to the search for their dad.

"Why don't we delay the search for dad by a day? We can go back to my apartment to catch up," Sam suggested. He didn't want to spend the next hour talking to his brother outside in the cold. Once back in his apartment, he could try to convince Dean that looking for their dad wasn't something they needed to do. He needed to convince Dean that he could have a life outside the hunt.

"I can't delay the search for dad for another day. The longer I delay the search, the harder it will be to pick up his trail. The co-ordinates that I found in dad's journal lead to some Colorado forests where there have been a few unexplained supposed grizzly bear attacks. I figure it's most probably a Wendigo as it matches all the details I have managed to dig up. Getting rid of that Wendigo is more important than saying here for an extra day," Dean said as he opened the driver's side of the Impala and got in. He slammed the door shut so Sam would take the hint and leave, although it wasn't with enough force to damage his baby.

Making a snap decision, Sam got into the Impala before Dean was able to drive away. Turning slightly in the seat to look at Dean he said, "Let's go to those woods."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes:** Thank you to my beta Mago186

* * *

"You're an idiot," Sam said. On his first hunt with Dean in six years it had very nearly gone tragically wrong. Dean had managed to get taken by the Wendigo they had been hunting. He only managed to find Dean by a trail of M&M's his brother left behind. M&M's any woodland creature could have eaten.

"Is that a dig at my lack of a high school education or are you just being an asshole?" Dean asked. He had wanted to spend at least an hour in the shower getting rid of the last few days of dirt and grime. He wanted to enjoy the rare chance to chill out and relax, but he wasn't going to get that. Sam had just managed to wait until he sat down on the bed before starting a fight with him. What happened to Sam just being his big brother?

"You used M&M's to leave a trail. They could have melted. Anything in those woods could have eaten them and I never would have found you in time!" Sam said. Some of the worry and panic he felt while searching for a missing Dean shining though his words.

"M&M's were the only available things I had with me. What would you have used because I'd sure like to know?" Dean asked. He wasn't going to let Sam tell him how things should be done on the hunt. Sam had spent six years living a life that he had only ever seen on television or in the movies. Sam was rusty and out of shape.

"You could have used something a little less edible."

"Are you intentionally ignoring what I say? M&M's were all I had," Dean said and from the look on Sam's face, he knew that there was now no chance of him getting that shower.

"I was worried about you Dean," Sam admitted as he chose to look at a spot on the wall just behind Dean. He was not going to make eye contact with his brother. He had been the person who taught Dean how to walk. He had changed Dean's diapers on a regular basis. Looking at his brother now only provoked thoughts in him that were not of the brotherly kind. He shouldn't be viewing Dean as a person he wanted to make love to.

There were a thousand and one questions he wanted to ask Sam, but he thought better of it. To hear Sam say he was worried about him was unexpected, but surprisingly nice. It had been years since anyone said those words to him and meant it, but he couldn't let Sam know that was what he was thinking. So he did what he normally did when it came to showing any kind of emotion; he bottled it all up and acted the part of an emotionally stunted man. "You don't need to worry about me Sam, I'm okay. I've been okay for the last six years and I will continue to be okay after you leave again."

"Could you just drop the damn attitude for a few minutes? I get that I left you with dad. I know I went six years without contacting you and I'm sorry," Sam admitted. The brother he had left with their dad six years ago always had a smile on his face; a 14-year-old Dean who, although serious, had a mischievous streak a mile wide; a 14-year-old Dean who was happy with his life and plans for a future that did not include the hunt. A 20-year-old Dean was emotionally stunted, sarcastic and cynical. It was painful to see Dean like that and know that his leaving six years ago had something to do with it.

"I'm not in the mood for twenty questions," Dean said. He was not going to discuss the last six years of his life just because Sam had made a little speech.

"Since I rejoined you on the hunt we haven't talked."

"What do you want me to say?" Dean asked.

There were so many things that he wanted to ask Dean. There were just so many things he wanted to say. "Tell me anything."

He had nothing to tell Sam that was a happy memory. There wasn't any part of his life he could point to during the last six years and say that particular event had made him happy. "There was a time when the hunt was all I wanted out of life."

"Now?" Sam prompted as he sat down next to his brother on the bed. In previous years, he would have pulled Dean into his arms and chased away his fears, but things had changed. Dean was no longer a child and he had stopped being a big brother years ago.

Dean got up from the bed so he wasn't so close to Sam. He just about resisted the urge to walk out of the motel room and go to the nearest bar. He didn't want to have this conversation with his brother, but at the very same time, he did. With a voice filled with emotion he very rarely showed he said, "It's just harder to get though each day. In the last few months the only decent conversation I've had has come from the people I hustle for money."

"Then leave the hunt Dean. Hunting has always been dad's life. It's dad who wants to find the demon that killed mom. It's his calling, not ours," Sam said. Now that he knew Dean was having serious reservations about the hunt, there was a chance he could convince his brother to give up the life.

"The hunt is all I know. It's all I can do," Dean admitted sadly.

"There are plenty of things you can do. You could get a GED. You could go to college," Sam offered.

"College—what good would that be for me?" Dean asked. He knew that Sam always held the belief that college gave a person the chance of a new life. What good would a new life be for him? Who else would save people from the supernatural if he didn't? How could he walk away from that?

"You could learn to be something. Dean, you are worth so much more than this." Sam said. He didn't like the fact that Dean seemed to think he was unworthy of a normal life.

He tired not to be angry with Sam, but Sam refused to believe that he enjoyed the hunt. Sure, he had moments when the hunt became too much and he just wanted a time out. Today just happened to be one of those days when hunting wasn't the thing he liked to do. He knew that the feeling of unhappiness with the hunt wouldn't last. What pissed him off was that Sam thought the life he had was worthless and college would be the only thing that could give his life meaning. Well fuck that. What person enjoyed every damn moment of their chosen profession? Licking his lips he said, "I'm just having a few days were the hunt isn't my favourite thing. I don't like the way you assume the life I have is worthless."

"You can have a life that doesn't include the supernatural," Sam suggested.

"Look at me and tell me that I will fit into that type of life," Dean demanded.

Sam did as Dean asked and really looked at him. The first thing noticed was Dean's eyes. Dean's eyes spoke of battles hard fought and won. It broke his heart to know Dean would forever have the experiences and attitude of a battle-hardened warrior. He knew that his brother wouldn't be able to cope with what most people saw as a normal life. He desperately wanted to tell Dean that the hunt didn't have to be his life, but he couldn't. It was with a heavy heart he whispered, "I can't."

"It's not so bad Sam. Chicks and guys dig the whole bad guy image," Dean said casually mentioning to his brother that he was bisexual.

Unable to keep the disbelief out of his voice Sam asked, "Does dad know?"

"He found out when he caught me making out with a guy in our motel room. Dad kicked the guy out of our room and proceeded to give me a two hour lecture on the virtues of safe gay sex. Man, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. It's fucking embarrassing to get the safe sex talk from your dad when your 17."

"You were making with some guy when you were 17? Shit Dean! Have you no god damn sense?" Sam snapped. He wasn't angry or ashamed that Dean was bisexual. Hell it was the best piece of news he had heard in months. It meant that he was in with a chance. He was just angry that Dean had been seducing some guy without a care in the world.

"Fuck Sam, did you seriously think I would still be a virgin when you saw fit to contact me again? I lost my virginity to a girl named Alice when I was 15. A year later, I lost it again to Danny. Both times I was safe, so I don't need you insulting my intelligence again!"

"You lost your virginity at 15 and 16?" Sam said surprised that his brother had lost is virginity at such a young age.

Sitting back down on the bed, Dean took off his boots, placing them at the end of the bed. He then took off his jacket, neatly folding it before placing it over his boots. Very carefully, he took off his t-shirt, wincing as he did so. He knew that tomorrow he was going to be one big bruise. Being hung up in the Wendigo's cave for a few hours had left him bruised and exhausted. Placing the t-shirt on top of his jacket, he stood up. Once he was standing up, he took the belt out of jeans letting it fall to the floor. He then took off his jeans, making a mental note to find a laundry-mat tomorrow. Instead of folding up his jeans, he threw them into the farthest corner of the motel room.

Now he was just sitting on the bed in his boxers and he only felt marginally better than before.

Then he remembered Sam's disbelief at the age he had lost his virginity. With a smile, he said, "Compared to most, I was a late starter."

"Compared with whom exactly? You dropped out of high school. Who have you got to compare yourself to?" Sam demanded.

Raising his left eyebrow, his only show of anger, he said, "I notice other people. Despite everything that has happened, I do know enough that to lose your virginity at 15 is normal. Hell, according to some statistics the average age is 14."

"I don't care about statistics! You were just 15," Sam said.

"Sam what happened to you. What happened to make you such a—" he paused briefly to find the right word. "Asshole."

Instead of admitting that he had been in the wrong with his attitude from the very beginning of the conversation, he once again went on the defensive. He wasn't going to let Dean make him out to be some kind of a villain. He had been gone for six years and during that time, Dean had turned into a person who saw sex as a meaningless thing. Six years and his brother was changed, but it wasn't a change for the good. "Fuck you Dean! I'm gone for six years and look how much you have changed. What happened to the brother who wanted more from life than the hunt? What the fuck happened to you."

"I've seen and done too much to stay the same. I was never going to be an idealist for the rest of my life. The last six years changed me Sam. While you were gone I grew up," Dean admitted.

"Dad was meant to look after you. He was meant to give you a better life," Sam said. He had expected their dad to give Dean a life that wasn't so filled with the hunt. Those expectations had been proved wrong. Their dad had given Dean a life that had been one continuous hunt.

"He did in his own way. You knew what dad was like when it came to finding the demon that killed mom. You knew that when you left me with him I would never get to do normal things," Dean said. He wasn't angry with Sam for leaving with their dad…not anymore.

"He was meant to give you a life away from the hunt," Sam said. He was only now beginning to realize that entrusting their dad to look after Dean had been a mistake.

Running a hand over his face in an effort to wipe the exhaustion from him he said, "Did you really think dad and I would settle in some picture perfect town? Did you expect to come back from college and find us acting out the part of the perfect family?"

"Did dad treat you okay?" Sam asked. With what he had learned about dad's treatment of Dean it wouldn't surprise him if their dad had turned abusive. If that was proved to be the case then their dad was dead next time he made an appearance.

"Sam, get of the damn bed I'm tired. I spent most of today strung up like a pig waiting to be slaughtered. Get of this damn bed so I can get some sleep."

Getting of the bed Sam said, "Dean…"

"The conversation is over Sam. I don't care what you want to do right now, just leave me alone," Dean replied as he got under the covers. He wasn't going to tell Sam about those times their dad had been angry with him and how most of the arguments he had with their dad got out of hand.

"Dean, did dad ever hit you?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes:** Thank you to my beta Mago186

* * *

Patience had always been something he had too much of. He had spent a lifetime taking orders from his dad and never once disobeyed them. He has spent too many cold nights in a graveyard searching for some fucked up spirit's final resting place. So he had patience, more than is necessary.

However, that patience was being pushed to its limit. He had been waiting for Sam in a crowded bar for nearly an hour.

Despite spending nearly every hour of the last two months together, they had arranged to meet in a bar. A bar had been the venue of choice, as neither of them was willing to have the talk in a local diner or their motel room. As part of this planned meeting, they had agreed to spend the day apart. Time away from each other before the conversation. He knew it would not be a meeting Sam forgot.

It didn't stop him from wondering where Sam was and what excuse he had for being so damn late.

This type of bar was not a place he felt comfortable in. It was packed with people and lame ass pop music was playing in the background. All around him people were having conversations. Conversation filled with information about normal, everyday life. That kind of normal was a foreign concept to him. He felt out of place in the bar, because the people he was surrounded by had no idea what horrors he faced on a daily basis.

He had been to bars like this one countless times before, but it had always been purely for business. Bars were simply a source of income. He couldn't go into any bar without automatically singling out who would make him the most money. From the crowd of people tonight, he could pick out at least twenty who could make him some money. Money that would be easy to earn. The money he earned would be used to fund his lifestyle for another month. To blend into the crowd, he had learned to react as any other twenty year old would in a bar packed with scantily clad women and men. He laughed at strangers' jokes and smiled when it was expected of him. No one ever seemed to notice that it was a lie. He could never fully relax in a place like this. He was always on the lookout for a person to hustle for money and thinking about the next hunt.

It wasn't just his being a hunter of the supernatural that meant he could find no enjoyment in bars or places like them. It had nothing to do with the fact that he felt far older than his twenty years. It was because of the way he had been raised. Nearly everyone he met in these places had at least one good, reliable parent in their life. He wasn't that lucky. His mom had died before he could form his own memories of her and his dad wasn't what you would call a "good parent." He knew those kind of thoughts were selfish, but he didn't care. He was entitled to feel selfish once in a while.

Staring at the half empty beer bottle in his hand, he came to a decision. He had waited for Sam long enough. Quickly and with ease he walked though the crowd of people and out of the bar. Once outside, he headed towards his Impala

* * *

Sam was late

He should have been at the bar an hour ago, but a conversation with the receptionist of the motel they were staying in had dragged on. Instead of telling the receptionist he had places to be he patiently listened to the woman speak. He now knew all about receptionist's unhappiness with her job and her rat bastard husband. It wasn't a conversation he would care to repeat.

Now he was at the bar and it briefly occur to him that he could walk away, but he was done walking away from Dean. He was about to walk into the bar when something made him turn around. It wasn't a sound, but just an instinct that there was something he had to see. Knowing that it would be foolish to ignore his instincts, he turned around. He could see Dean sitting on the hood of his Impala finishing of what looked like a bottle of beer. Swallowing down the irrational anger he felt towards Dean's drinking, he walked over to his brother.

"Dean," Sam said resisting the urge he had to take the bottle of beer from Dean and to berate him for underage drinking, but he didn't want to start an argument with his brother so early on in the conversation.

"You're late," Dean replied.

"I got stuck talking to our motel receptionist. I now know how crappy her job is and all about her rat bastard husband. If I could have gotten away any quicker, I would have," Sam informed.

"I'm not interested in hearing about a receptionist's life story. You had all day to talk to her Sam so you can't really use her as an excuse for being late," Dean said as he got off the car. He wiped the hood of the Impala with his jacket sleeve, taking care to wipe away any dirt.

"Dean, we don't need to argue. All I want to do is talk."

"Talking is what we are doing. Why are you so damn late Sam? You could have walked away from he receptionist at any time."

"It would have been rude," Sam said even though those words didn't sound like the truth to his own ears.

"Being late for our meeting isn't rude?" Dean calmly asked.

"It's not the same thing Dean," Sam explained.

"No it's not. The receptionist is nothing more than a stranger. You'll forget the conversation you had with her in a week. You'll forget what she looked like in a couple of days. I'm family. You don't forget family," Dean said.

"I'm sorry. I'm here now we can go back inside, find a table, and talk." Sam suggested.

Dean wanted to say that sorry wasn't enough but he couldn't find the words. He knew that any biting sarcastic remark he wanted to make couldn't happen. This was a conversation that needed to happen, but it wasn't going to be inside a bar. "So talk."

"About what? I don't even know were to begin," Sam replied.

"Ask me anything you want," Dean suggested.

"How long were you hunting alone before you came for me?" Sam asked.

"Three months." Dean easily replied. Three months was the amount of time that he knew their dad had been missing. Before that he had hunted alone for two months with only the odd phone call from their dad.

"I didn't ask how long dad had been missing I already knew that. How long have you been alone?" Sam asked.

"It's not important. Tell me why you couldn't speak to family for six years." Dean asked, neatly changing the subject to what was a sore point for both of them.

"It was easier," Sam replied. He could have given Dean a long explanation as to why he had gone six years without contacting his family, but what was the point? Explanation were not going to change what he had done

"Easier for who?" Dean demanded.

"Dad told me to never come back. I was so damn angry with him when I left and phoning home wouldn't have helped. Dad and I exchanged some nasty words that neither of us could ever take back. I didn't want to make that phone call and have a repeat of _that_ conversation."

"You took the easy way out. You couldn't swallow your pride and make one damn phone call?" Dean asked.

"It just wasn't that easy Dean. You have to understand that Dad and I just couldn't make up with _one_ phone call," Sam said. He wanted Dean to understand that not contacting family was a hard thing for him to do.

"Did you forget that I had a cell phone? What excuse do you have for ignoring me for six years? I had nothing to do with the argument you had with dad," Dean said as he felt around his jacket pocket for a half used pack of cigarettes. Once he found them he let out a sigh of relief. He needed a cigarette to release the tension building up in him.

"You would have given the phone to dad," Sam replied. He knew that those words sounded petty, but they still had a ring of truth to them. Dean had never disobeyed their dad.

"A text would have been just as good as a phone call, but even that was too much for you. The argument you had with dad wasn't an argument you had with me. I didn't tell you to leave and never come back."

"I'm sorry." Sam said repeating the two words that now seemed to be a popular theme when talking to Dean.

"I've already told you that I've forgiven you for leaving. I could just never understand why I wasn't important enough to you anymore," Dean remarked as he took a cigarette from the half empty pack, held it to his lips, and lit it. Taking a long drag from his cigarette he said, "Tell me about college."

Taking the cigarette from Dean, Sam asked. "When did you start smoking?"

"A few years ago. What have you been doing with your day?" Dean asked delaying the inevitable question he knew Sam wanted to ask. He wanted to continue the normalish conversation he was having with Sam.

"I've been looking at online GED courses. I figured that while we look for dad you could study for a GED. Once we have found dad and you've got that GED you could go to college," Sam said.

Quelling his desire to hit Sam, he said in a voice that could have melted steel, "While doing this research did you for one minute think about what I wanted?"

"Dean, it's for the best. You can't be a hunter for the rest for your life. You need something to build the rest of your life upon," Sam said.

"A hunter is who I am. It's not just a job; it's a way for life for me. Getting a GED and going to college is what _you_ want for me. I get that you hate being a hunter because God knows you've dropped enough hints over the last two months. I'm not going to change who I am just because we are hunting together," Dean said.

"How long do you think that enthusiasm for the hunt will last?" Sam asked.

Shaking his head in disappointment, Dean replied. "It's not enthusiasm. Any enthusiasm I had for being a hunter died an agonising death when I had to kill a fellow hunter because a werewolf had bitten him. I stayed with him up until the full moon and when he began to change, I shot him. I watched the light in his eyes die out. I watched a man in the prime of his life die and despite that, I knew a hunter is what I want to be. I knew there was nothing else I could be."

"How old were you when this happened?" Sam asked gently.

"15," Dean replied.

"Where was dad when this was happening?" Sam asked, mentally cursing their dad for allowing Dean to kill a man. That sort of thing weighed heavily upon a person's mind. It changed a person.

"He was on another hunt," Dean said.

"He let you hunt alone?" Sam said surprised that their dad had given Dean such responsibility at just 15. He could remember pleading with his dad to go on a hunt at that age and being refused.

"Yeah," Dean replied dropping to one word answers when he realized just how close Sam was to asking that question.

"It's just not something dad would do. He was always so adamant about us not doing any solo hunts until we were at least 17," Sam said.

"Things change," Dean muttered as he took another cigarette out of the half empty pack. Holding the cigarette between his fingers he pierced Sam with a look that reduced many grown men to tears. "Maybe you just don't know dad."

"I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't let you go on a solo hunt at 15," Sam snapped.

"Tell me something about dad." Dean asked silently questioning Sam's belief that he still knew their father.

"He used to rock you to sleep as a baby," Sam said.

"Tell me something a little more recent. Tell me what happened the day dad came back home from a hunt drunk. Tell me what he did," Dean demanded as he let the unlit cigarette drop to the ground.

"I can't remember. I can't remember seeing dad drunk," Sam admitted and with those words he came to a heart stopping realization. Their dad had done something to Dean while drunk. With a voice that he was sure that was far steadier than it had any right to be he asked, "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing," Dean said quickly, unable to look Sam in the eye for the fear that Sam would see that one word for the lie it was.

"Dean, don't do this. Don't close up on me. Just please be honest with me," Sam pleaded.

"You don't want me to be honest with you."

"Dean, you don't have to tell me anything of importance, just talk to me. I need to know if dad was … abusive," Sam said. He needed to know if his mistake of leaving Dean with their dad was more of a disaster than he already thought. To achieve this, it didn't matter if asked Dean to tell him one thing, but then asked for another.

"Define abusive," Dean asked. He knew that he was treating Sam's questions as little more than a joke, but he couldn't be serious. He couldn't open up about a part of his life that had been nothing but a misery.

"For one damn second tell me the truth. Don't continue to treat this as a joke," Sam said his voice taking on a hard edge.

Dean couldn't help but flinch at the tone of Sam's voice. It was the same tone that their dad would use just before he lost his temper. Out of a long ingrained habit, he backed away from Sam.

Noticing Dean's sudden unease with him, he was instantly concerned. "Dean what's wrong?" Sam asked careful to maintain his distance from Dean. From the way his brother was standing, there was a strong possibility he could bolt.

"Dad always talks to me using that tone of voice after he's had a few drinks. I could never say more than a few words without it being used. I could just ask dad what he wanted for dinner and he'd tell me to fuck off. He used to swear at me, using words that could have peeled paint. He'd tell me things that fucking hurt, but he'd never remember in the morning when he was sober. Dad would ask me what he had done while drunk and I'd lie. I knew that if I told him the truth it would get thrown back at me when he was drunk again," Dean admitted.

Cursing their dad and mentally thinking of the many ways he could kill him Sam asked, "What else has he done?"

"We had fun together sometimes and that made up for the rest of it," Dean said.

"What did he do?" Sam asked keeping his tone of voice at a deliberately calm level. He didn't want to agitate Dean in any way.

"We need to go to Wisconsin. There have been some suspicious drownings at Lake Manitoc. Despite the lake being dragged, they haven't found any bodies. I think we should go and investigate," Dean suggested.

"Dean the job can wait. We need to have this conversation. I need to know if he abused you," Sam said.

"We went to a fair together. It was to deal with the sprit of a psychotic clown. This clown was straight out of a Stephen king novel. The damn thing was so casual about killing people. He talked about it like it was an everyday hobby. Once we dealt with the clown, we went to this fair like any other father and son would. We had fun together," Dean said his eyes sparkling with one of the only good memories of their dad.

"Sounds okay," Sam admitted because he knew that what Dean had said was just beginning. He knew that the worst was yet to come.

"He changed Sam. He became more obsessed with the hunt after the fairground. He used to tell me about mom, but the tone of voice he used made my skin crawl. I would sometimes catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. He would look at me in a way no father should," Dean said.

"Did he," Sam stopped speaking because there was no way he could make the words "sexual abuse" seem less severe than they were. He could only be blunt and he felt guilty for knowing what his bluntness would do to Dean. "Touch you?"

"Did he fuck me? Did he rip away any innocence I had left? Did he leave me feeling like I can never be clean? Did he do things to me that have left me broken? Did he destroy what little trust I had in people?" Dean asked, a flood of long held, painful secrets spilling out of his mouth. He had no intention of saying so much to Sam, but once he had started speaking he couldn't stop.

"Did he do any of those things?" Sam asked, silently begging for those questions to be the product of Dean's angry mind.

"Would it really matter if I told you he had? Do you seriously think you could change anything?" Dean asked.

"I could help. You could talk to me and I could go kill our dad," Sam replied, saying the last few words as a joke to lighten the mood.

Getting the Impala's keys out of his back pocket, he briefly thought of agreeing with Sam's joke to kill their dad. It would be something that made him feel better for all of a few seconds. Despite all that their dad had done to him, he would defend the man with his last breath. Sighing a little more loudly than normal he said, "I don't need help. What happened can't be changed. I've moved on with my life Sam."

"Dean, we need to talk. You can't keep all of this bottled up."

"Talking doesn't help. It never has. We really need to get to the hunt in Wisconsin," Dean said as he got into the Impala, effectively ending what had been a very difficult conversation.

"Dean," Sam began to say as he got into car. He wanted to ask so many questions. He wanted to reassure Dean. In the end he settled for just a few simple words. "Lake Manitoc—let's go find out what's causing those deaths."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes: **Thank you to my beta mago186

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he listens to the sounds of Sam singing in the shower and attempts to relax. Just a few short hours ago, he had been ten feet beneath the surface of Lake Manitoc. He had been surrounded by water so dark that he had been unable to see more than a foot. His movements in the water had not come easy. Mostly due to the coldness of the water and the clothes he wore dragging him down. He had also known that just one wrong move and the Lake spirit would claim another victim.

It had only been by Sheriff Devin's surprising act of conscience that he had been able to save Luke. By giving his life to the spirit of the lake there had been no last desperate attempt to breathe the life back into Luke. He didn't have to witness another young life end. It had been good to get the happy conclusion to what had been a hard two days. Now the hunt was finished and the Lake was once again safe to swim in.

There wasn't a lot left for him to do. Sam had grabbed the first shower claiming it was a big brother's right.

He had been waiting for Sam to get out of the shower for nearly twenty minutes. It meant that any chance he had for hot water was no longer possible, as Sam would have used it all. For some inexplicable reason, that really pissed him off. For so long he had been used to himself for company and doing things in his own unique way. Having Sam with him on what was appearing to be an almost permanent basis wasn't turning out as well as he had hoped it would. Sam's constant presence was proving to be stifling.

Looking around the motel room, he began to search for Sam's shoes. Sam only had one pair, as his last pair had been ruined by jumping into Lake Manitoc. He found the shoes by the closed bathroom door. He reached down, picked them up, and thought about hiding them. Hiding Sam's shoes had been something he always used to do to Sam as a young child. That small game he used to play on his brother kept Sam with him for a little longer. He wasn't playing a game with Sam this time. He had outgrown that part of his life years ago. Sliding his hand into his coat pocket, some of the tension left his shoulders when he found his car keys. With Sam's shoes still in his hand, he opened the motel room's door and walked outside. Making no noise, he shut the door behind him as he went.

Walking to his Impala, he opened the trunk and put his brother's shoes inside. Closing the trunk, he couldn't help but smile. It would drive Sam crazy looking for his shoes, but it would provide him with an endless source of amusement. Placing a hand on the trunk of his car, he gave serious thought to just leaving Sam. He quickly dismissed the thought only due to the fact you never left a man behind. Leaning slightly against the Impala, he took his cell phone out of his pocket. Flipping it open, he quickly scrolled down the list of numbers he had, only stopping when he reached the one he needed. The phone number belonged to the only person he could trust. He pressed the call button. Within seconds, he heard the voice he wanted to hear.

"John?" Bobby asked. The last time he had spoken to the eldest Winchester harsh words had been exchanged. He had finally told John just what he had thought of his treatment of Dean.

"Guess again." Dean said.

"Dean," Bobby replied. Like all other hunters, he knew that Dean was hunting with Sam again. Most hunters feared or respected Dean. There was no in between. With Sam, hunters either respected or feared him.

"Bobby, how are the dogs?" Dean casually asked as he stopped using the Impala as a leaning post and began to walk around the car. When he talked to Bobby about something serious, he found it impossible to keep still. He always had to keep moving.

"They are still as stubborn as ever. You should come and see them," Bobby replied. He knew from previous conversations with Dean that you should never push him. A slow starting conversation always proved to be far more worthwhile.

"That may be a problem," Dean admitted. He would like to see Bobby and spend a few days at the house, but he couldn't do that with Sam constantly by his side. Bobby's house was a place of refuge from his family.

"All you need is to make the journey to my place. Where is the problem in that?" Bobby asked.

"Sam is with me."

Bobby knew that Dean's relationship with Sam wasn't as good as it could be. That didn't mean he wouldn't welcome Sam into his house. "Bring Sam with you."

Sighing in a way that would show just how frustrated he was with Bobby, Dean said, "Sam has been a little overbearing lately."

Bobby instantly realized that Dean had just understated the situation with his brother and he didn't like that. It meant that Dean was close losing what little patience he had left. "What has he been up to lately?"

"The first hunt we did together was to find out what had killed these campers in the forest. It turned out to be a wendigo and I was captured by it. But Sam was able to find me. I left a trail of M&M's. He found me everything turned out well in the end, but that wasn't enough for Sam."

"Where did you leave this trail?" Bobby asked he wasn't going to condemn Sam without getting the full story of that first hunt.

"The woods. I know M&M's are not the most practical things to use to leave a trail in the woods, but they were all I had on hand. I know that there was a high chance any woodland creature could have eaten those M&M's. Sam made me feel all of two inches tall," Dean said. He didn't like to admit that Sam still had the power to make him feel worthless.

"Maybe he was worried about you."

"Maybe he was but …"

"But," Bobby prompted.

"It was his whole attitude. The way Sam was talking to me you would have thought I was new to the hunting gig. It only got worse when we arranged to meet at this bar. He was late for the meeting." Dean said. He suddenly felt younger than his years for needing to vent. He was usually so close-mouthed when it came to family, but the last couple of days with Sam had just been too much.

Recognizing the sound of someone who was stressed and under pressure, Bobby asked. "What did you talk about?"

"Sam told me that it was easier not to speak to me for six years. I forgave him because I can understand how easy it is not to confront something straight on. He tired to convince me that I should get my GED so I could go to college."

"Getting a GED is a good idea Dean. It gives you the option of doing something other than hunting with your life. It's not a chance you should pass up," Bobby said. He knew that Dean would automatically see the chance of getting a GED as wasted time. He viewed it as planning for a future without the GED as a threat.

"It's not something I want to do. I'm happy with the life I have. Why do I need to add any extra complications to my life?" Dean asked.

"You don't want to reach the later stages of your life regretting the things you could have done but didn't. You may not want to get a GED now, but don't instantly dismiss the idea."

"I told Sam about the hunter I killed," Dean said, changing the course of the conversation to a subject he was far more comfortable with.

"You did the right thing with that hunter. He had been badly injured by a werewolf and it wouldn't have been long before the transformation began. Killing him was just the kind thing to do," Bobby said.

"Sam seemed to think that it was wrong for me to be alone. I got the impression he thought I was too young to be hunting alone."

Bobby whole-heartedly agreed with Sam on that point. John should not have allowed Dean to go on a hunt with a guy who was known to go into situations not fully prepared. He didn't voice that shared view with Dean though. "Sam was just showing his emotions."

"He kept going on and on about my solo hunts. When he wouldn't stop nagging me, I asked him to tell me something about dad. When he couldn't think of anything to say I told Sam a few things I shouldn't have," Dean said as he turned slightly to look at the motel room. He could see Sam moving about the room searching for the shoes he wouldn't be able to find.

"What type of things?" Bobby asked, silently praying to all the deities he knew that John hadn't abused his youngest son.

For a moment, Dean thought about lying to Bobby about his dad. Although his dad had been abusive, he didn't want an old family friend to think badly of his dad. He didn't want to be responsible for taking one of his dad's friends with just a few words. He didn't want to do any of that, but he was tired of hiding everything inside. Licking his lips and taking his gaze away from the motel room he said. "About the abuse."

Those were three words he had never wanted to hear Dean say. There had been so many times that John and Dean had stayed with him. There had been no signs of Dean's abuse. Knowing that didn't make any of the guilt he felt lessen. With difficulty, he kept his voice calm and asked, "What kind of abuse?"

Once again, he looked aback at the motel room and instead of seeing Sam moving about the room he saw Sam standing in the motel room's open doorway. Ignoring Sam, he continued to walk around the Impala. Taking a breath to calm himself down he said. "The kind he should be jailed for."

"It's not too late to put him there."

A bittersweet laugh escaped his lips as he thought about the many ways Bobby's suggestion wouldn't work. He knew his dad would survive prison. Life as a hunter had prepared his dad for the bad things in life. Going to the police was never a choice he had. As a hunter himself, he had a long history of credit card fraud. He had committed a series of petty crimes that, if discovered, would get him a few years in jail. The main reason he wouldn't go to the police about his dad was selfish and simple. He didn't want anyone to look at him and see a victim. "When he starts talking about the supernatural how long do you think it will be before they put him in the nuthouse?"

"Maybe that is all he deserves," Bobby replied. He would personally like to see John locked in a house with a ravenous vampire. A vampire that could make John's death a long and painful one.

"We need his help to find the yellow eyed demon," Dean stated.

"Bullshit. You don't need John's help to find the demon. _You_ are more than capable of finding the demon and killing it," Bobby said. He wasn't going to allow Dean to excuse John's behaviour.

"Dad still needs to be here hunting with me and Sam. We are all better off together." As Dean was about to begin another circle around the Impala a small noise made him turn his attention back to the motel room. Sam was walking toward him with a determined glint in his eye.

"Do you believe that Sam will be able to work with your father?" Bobby asked.

Now that Sam was standing just inches in front of him, he automatically looked down at Sam's feet. With a smile, Bobby wouldn't be able to see, but would recognize in his voice he replied, "I'm not asking for Sam's permission. He will have to work alongside with dad or he can leave."

"Dean, you have to be reasonable. You told Sam about the abuse. It's only natural that he is going to be protective."

Looking Sam in the eye, he said with no amount of guilt "I don't need to be protected Bobby. I can handle dad."

For the last two minutes, Sam had listened to a one sided conversation about their dad. He had been willing to let Dean talk to Bobby without interrupting. As soon as Dean had looked him in the eye, he had wanted to rip the phone out of Dean's hand. Dean should be having this conversation with him. With that firmly in mind, he took the phone out of Dean's hand and said, "Bobby, its Sam. Dean will speak to you later."

Sam flipped the cell phone shut, ending the phone call before Bobby could reply.

"Do that to me again and I will leave you here," Dean snapped.

"One of dad's lessons is that you never leave a man behind," Sam replied smugly.

"It's not a lesson you ever learned Sam. If you interrupt me again while I am talking to someone on the phone, I will leave you in whatever place we happen to be in."

Using his left hand, Sam scrubbed his forehead in an attempt to prevent a headache from forming. Dealing with Dean in his current mood wasn't at the top of his to do list, but he couldn't keep living this way. There was far too much tension between them. That had to change. Removing his hand from his forehead, he pointed to the motel room and said, "Get back to the motel room. I don't want to hear any arguments. We are having a long overdue conversation about you and dad. I don't want to hear any lies or half-truths. I just want you to be honest with me."

Quirking an eyebrow, Dean could feel the trusted weight of his blade against his back. It would take just one small movement to take the blade out and place it against Sam's neck. He knew that it was in him to take that action against Sam, but he wasn't that full of hatred. Without uttering a single word in agreement, he reached out, took his cell phone back from Sam, and walked into the motel room.

Just from Dean's body language alone, Sam knew that the next few hours were going to be hard. He could no longer afford to be over protective or controlling. He had to hold back on his temper and just talk to Dean as a big brother. Walking behind Dean, he entered the motel room just a few seconds after his brother. He gestured for Dean to sit on the bed and he was surprised when he did. Quietly he closed the door. He pulled a nearby chair from the kitchen table, placed it in front of Dean, and sat down.

"Tell me what dad was like after I left," Sam asked. He knew that was a loaded question, but it was the most neutral question he could think of.

"Okay," Dean replied.

Mentally counting to ten, Sam knew that Dean's one worded answer was just an avoidance tactic. It could also be a way to push his buttons. With a voice that was calmer than he actually felt, he said, "Why don't you ask me a question and I will give you a truthful answer. Then I can do the same to you."

"What was college life like?" Dean asked. He wasn't going to be the one who mentioned their dad.

"It wasn't everything I expected it to be. I knew there would be a lot of hard work and stressful times. I expected that. What I didn't expect was the loneliness. I was surrounded by people my own age and that normal life I had always wanted didn't feel right. I couldn't relate to them and I was always waiting for the supernatural to make itself known," Sam admitted.

"What made you stay?" Dean asked.

"Despite it being lonely and hard, I didn't feel that way for very long. I gradually learned to unwind and stop looking for danger where there wasn't any."

Dean knew that Sam was trying to relate to him, but it wasn't working. The problems Sam had settling into college life didn't come close to what he had been though. "Why did you never contact me?"

Sam didn't know how to answer that question any better than he had already done. Instead, he took another route in the conversation and said "Tell me about dad."

"What do you want to know?" Dean asked

"The first hunt you and dad did together after I left."

"After two months of staying in one town, we were both a bit restless and we began to snap at each other. Dad found this job in a small town called Madlen Waters. It was hundreds of miles away from Stanford. The hunt turned out to be nothing more than a simple salt and burn."

"What happened after that first hunt?" Sam asked. He knew from past experiences that a simple hunt had never been enough to satisfy their dad.

The first few days after the hunt had been filled with intense training sessions. He had often gone to bed during those days aching all over and feeling worse in the morning. Looking Sam in the eye and without a hint of emotion, he said, "Training sessions."

"Did our dad ever treat you like a normal teenager?"

Silently laughing, he couldn't believe that Sam would ask such a stupid question with a straight face. Their lives hadn't been normal since the moment a demon had killed their mom. Normal for the Winchesters was a life filled with the supernatural. "How did you explain the lack of family to your college friends?" Dean asked.

Sam wanted to demand that Dean answer his question, but this was a conversation he wanted to happen. It wasn't something he was going to bring to a premature end because he was being too controlling. "People never really asked."

"Bullshit," Dean snapped, assessing Sam's words for the lie they were.

"Only one person asked me about family while I was at college and that was Jessica. I told her that I had an argument with my family and we were no longer talking. Jessica must have told our friends that family wasn't something they should ask me about."

"You were ashamed of being a Winchester. That's why you ignored your own family for six years. It wasn't because you found it easier not to contact us as time passed. It was just shame," Dean said. The emotions that he had been attempting to keep under control while talking to Sam were now beginning to show.

Swallowing back the almost instinctive swear words, Sam replied. "I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud to be a Winchester."

"If that is true, why haven't you been able to look at me without looking like your ashamed? I've seen the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking. What did I do for you to see me as a figure of shame?" Dean demanded.

"I'm not ashamed of you Dean. I never have been. The way I have been looking at you is just concern. You have so many secrets Dean. There is just so much I don't know about you. You react differently to certain things on a hunt. When I've put an arm around you or any one touches you, you flinch. Tell me what dad did to you." Sam had planned to continue the conversation on a far safer and comfortable subject, but he wanted to know what had changed his brother so much.

"Why do you have to know the details? It's not going to change what happened," Dean said.

"I look at you and see the shell of the brother I grew up with. I want to bring that person back," Sam admitted.

"I have already told you that I was never going to be the same. I was fourteen years old when you left and after six years, I was going to change. I'm never going to be the brother you want."

"I just want to see that part of you that isn't so distrustful of everyone's motives. I just want to know that what happened in the six years I wasn't there to protect you hasn't taken away all of the happiness you used to have," Sam said.

Shaking his head slightly at Sam's long overdue and unwanted big brother act, he said, "You don't need to know what dad did."

"Tell me Dean," Sam said, his tone of voice a bit more forceful than he would have liked.

"Who's Jessica? Was she a friend or a lover?" Dean asked instead.

"Does it really matter?"

"If you want me to share a part of my life that's painful for so many different reasons, I want you to tell me about Jessica."

"She was a friend I met in the college library searching for a book. We bumped into each other while reaching for the same book. We went for a coffee and found out we had some common interests. Our friendships stayed as a friendship. We were both too much like each other for it to be anything else," Sam said. He and Jessica did have a relationship, but that had only lasted for a few weeks.

"You said she was your friend. What happened to her?" Dean asked.

Realizing that Dean believed Jessica was dead due to his use of the wrong word, he replied, "Jess is fine. At the moment she is backpacking across Australia. Now that I've told you about Jessica, tell me about dad."

"Ask me a question."

"When did the abuse begin?" Sam gently asked.

Suddenly finding an interesting spot on the floor, Dean replied. "It's not really abuse. It was just an argument that got out of hand. We were celebrating a hunt that had gone well. Dad was drinking beer and he even let me have one. The argument began after dad had finished drinking his tenth beer and he took a disliking to something I said. He said a few things that were fucking hurtful and ten minutes later, he fell asleep on the motel room's floor. The next morning when he asked me what he had done the previous night, I told him the truth. That was a mistake I never repeated."

"Why was it a mistake?" Sam asked. He knew that this was only the beginning of Dean's history of abuse. He knew by the end of it he would want their dad to die in the most painful way possible.

"For the next few weeks after that morning, every time he got drunk he would throw back what I had told him in my face. I quickly learned that it was just easier to lie."

"When did the abuse begin to get worse?" Sam asked. The hatred he had for their father was beginning to turn into something far worse. Hatred was something he could slowly get over with time. What he now felt for his dad was going to be something that he never got over.

"Two days before my 15th birthday. Dad left me with an old army buddie and fellow hunter for a week. During that week … whatever innocence I may have had left was crushed." Dean said. He knew that Sam would ask him what had happened during that week, but he needed a few seconds to gather his thoughts.

"What was this hunter like?" Sam asked. He had wanted to ask Dean about the abuse he had a horrible feeling happened during that week.

For a few seconds, Dean tried to find the words that would describe the man he had come to hate. A man that had made him realize that everyone had a hidden motive. No one helped you out of kindness. It was always a selfish reason. Those were lesson he had learned during that week. "He was a person that other hunters respected. He was the type of person you could talk to about your life and not be judged. He was the type of person people trusted without even knowing why. What no one knew and what I found out was that he had a thing for teenaged boys."

Licking his lips, as he found them to be far from dry, Sam asked, "What did he do?"

With a calm steady voice, Dean said, "He let me have a beer. Like a fucking idiot, I drank the whole thing without questioning why a man I hardly knew would be willing to give a 14 year old a beer. It wasn't until I finished drinking the beer that I felt tired. The next thing I can remember after that is waking up in the man's bed. I was fully clothed, but I knew that something bad had happened. I felt sore in places that I never had before."

"He raped you?" Sam asked softly, silently adding that he was going to hunt the man down and kill him.

An unintentional bitter laugh escaped his lips. Still looking at the same uninteresting spot on the floor he replied, "It's not really rape if I can't remember anything. I just remember being sore. I couldn't sit down for a few days without wincing. That isn't rape."

"Dean, it doesn't matter if you can't remember anything. The fact remains that a grown man, who should have known better, took advantage of you. You can't dismiss the rape because you can't remember it," Sam said.

"I tell myself that it didn't happen because it's easier. I told you with a straight face that I was still a virgin at 15, but it was a lie." Dean said

"You can lie." Sam said

Smiling, but feeling no joy Dean said. "Yeah I know I can, but it's never going to change the facts."

"Did you tell dad about it?" Sam asked. He didn't want to mention the word rape more than was necessary. He didn't want to constantly remind himself of just how badly he had failed his brother.

"I told dad what happened as soon as we were hundreds of miles away from the man. Dad turned the car back around, drove all the way back to the man's house, and confronted him. Dad chose to believe his friend when he was told I had been acting up the entire week I was there. Dad made me apologize to the man. After that I never told dad anything that wasn't related to a hunt," Dean said.

Sam wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but he had a feeling that wouldn't be welcome. Talking a breath he asked, "When did dad … begin to abuse you?"

"After I told dad what his friend had done to me he began to look at me differently. When he ordered me to do extra drills he would have this weird look in his eyes. His drinking after a job gradually began to get worse. Four months after that incident, while he was drunk, dad … kissed me. For a moment I was frozen and then I hit him."

Silently repeating the words "I want to kill dad," Sam tried and failed to keep the anger from his voice when he asked, "How did dad react?"

"He broke my nose," Dean casually replied.

"Please tell me that he took you to the hospital."

"Dad threw the Impala's keys at me and told me I could drive myself to the nearest free clinic. The doctors didn't believe the story I gave them about getting into a fight with another kid. When the doctors mentioned social services and the police, I threatened to walk. So they fixed my broken nose and as soon as I was left alone, I walked out of the clinic. I knew that they had called the police and I wasn't going to wait for them to arrive."

"He apologize?" Sam asked. There was no way he was going to call John Winchester dad now.

"You do realize that our dad has never said sorry for anything. Even if he had told me he was sorry, what possible good could have been gained from it? Dad wouldn't have meant it."

"When did he become so casual about being abusive to you?" Sam asked. He was now damn sure that he could convince Bobby to help him kill John. There had to be a few supernatural creatures that held a grudge against John.

"He was never causal," Dean said.

"When did it escalate?" Sam asked.

What Dean wanted right now was a hot coffee and something to eat. He wasn't going to get a hot shower. He really wasn't going to get any of what he wanted until the conversation with Sam had finished. Scrubbing a hand across his face, Dean said, "Looking back I can see that it was a gradual thing. It started with a few rods, progressed to a broken nose and ended with …"

"Ended with what?" Sam prompted.

Looking Sam in the eye for the first time since the conversation had begun, he very calmly said, "It ended with sex."

Silently counting to ten in an effort to calm his rage, Sam knew he had failed when he could only think about killing John. John's death was going to be extremely painful and long lasting. He would make the man suffer. Knowing that reacting in anger to what Dean had told him wouldn't be good, he very calmly said, "It wasn't sex Dean. Sex is something that happens between two consenting adults. Sex is an act of love. What dad did to you was nothing more than rape."

Eyes red with tears that he refused to let fall, Dean quietly said, "I just laid there on the motel bed. I didn't move and I didn't scream out for help. I just let him fuck me. He touched me all over and kept calling me Mary. When he was finished, he just got off me, got dressed, and went out. I remember sitting in the shower, just letting the water run over me. The water was scalding hot, but I didn't feel it. I just wanted to be clean, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get that clean feeling back. What he did invaded every part of me. I still feel dirty to the very depths of my soul."

"Why," Sam paused for breath, licking his lips before continuing, "are we looking for him then?"

"We need him. He can help us with the yellow eyed demon," Dean said.

"Bullshit. We don't the man's help with the YED. We are hunters in our own right. There is nothing we can't do better than that man. Why would you want him near you again? He is far better of staying gone," Sam said angrily.

"He is our dad," was Dean's simple reply.

"All that man is to us is someone who gave us half of our DNA. We may all have the Winchester surname, but that doesn't make him our dad. He gave up that right the minute he treated you as less than his son. He should be in jail. The man should be made to suffer. We should just let him be."

"I can't do that," Dean said.

"Why not? Why does that man deserve another chance with you?" Sam asked.

"I … I need to know what I did wrong. I want to know what's so wrong with me that he could the things he did to me," Dean admitted softly.

"I'm not letting you go anywhere near that man. If you really need to find dad, we will do it together every step of the way." Sam said.

"He doesn't remember." Idly waving his hand in front of him in an attempt to describe something that had been extremely painful he said "the sex. I never told him what he did."

Narrowing his eyes slightly at Dean's words, Sam asked, "How can you not tell him? Why would you keep it a secret?"

"It was hard enough dealing with dad's half assed apologies and guilty attempts to make me feel better. I didn't want him to start avoiding me because of something he had done to me, but couldn't remember."

"He raped you Dean. He took something that he had no right to. He failed to protect you. That man does not deserve to be called dad," Sam snapped.

"You don't really get it, do you Sam? Dad has done things to me that if it was anyone else I could cheerfully kill. The thing is the man who did nasty things to me is my dad. I should hate him for what he has done to me, but I don't. I just need to know why."

Sam couldn't understand how Dean could have the attitude he did towards John, but he wasn't going to let Dean do anything alone. With a reassuring smile, Sam said, "We will continue to look for dad together. When we find him, you can find out what you want to know."

"There's a but to those words," Dean said.

"After that you need to let the man go. You have to walk away from him Dean," Sam said. He wasn't going to let Dean be taken in by anything John had to say. He may have failed to protect Dean in the past, but he wasn't going to fail again.

"It's not that easy," Dean admitted.

"I know it's not, but you can't keep waiting for him to be the dad you want. He is never going to be like that. You should walk away before he takes anything else away from you. You're not going to be alone this time. I won't let him take anything else from you," Sam said determinedly.

For the first time since Sam had rejoined him on the hunt, he felt as if he had his big brother back. It felt good. With a smile he asked, "Are you going to protect me Sammy?"

"I'm you big brother. It's in the job description."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes: **Well after a bad case of writers block I finally finished another chapter for this story. It was extremely hard to write. This is the tenth re-write I have done for this chapter.

**Notes: **Thank you to my beta Mago186

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Sam had kissed him.

His older brother, the one person he had slowly begun to let his defenses down for had kissed him. With that one simple act, Sam was no longer his brother. Sam was just another person who wanted to use him for sex. Instead of talking to Sam like a sensible, normal person, he had reacted in the opposite way. He had hit Sam, drawing blood and possibly breaking his nose. He had then stormed out of the motel room they were sharing, taken the impala and driven straight to Bobby's.

It didn't occur to him that he should have phoned Sam to let him know he was okay. He didn't want to know if he had broken Sam's nose. He wasn't interested.

"Are you ready to tell me what happened?" Bobby asked. Since Dean's arrival at his home nearly three hours ago, he had made no effort to start a conversation. He had just given Dean a coffee and left him alone.

"Where are the dogs?" Dean asked. He wasn't ready to talk to Bobby about Sam. He was in no mood to describe just how screwed up his family relationships were. He didn't want to admit that he was a failure.

"Sleeping."

He put his mug of coffee on the porch next to his chair and got up. He couldn't sit still when he had to talk about his past. He had to keep moving so that it would be easier to leave. Looking at Bobby, he could see small similarities of his dad staring back at him. That made him nervous and wary, but he wasn't going to ignore Bobby's question just because of those feelings. He wasn't going to push another person out of his life. "Sam kissed me."

It was by sheer force of will that the older man managed to keep his eyebrows from rising. Dean did not need his disapproval. He needed someone who was willing to listen to him, but not judge. "What caused Sam to kiss you?"

"Do you remember Jerry Parowski the guy dad and I saved from a poltergeist?"

"Yeah. He handled the existence of the supernatural far better than most people we meet. Is he still the lead mechanic for United Britannia Airlines?" He knew very well what Jerry did for work. He had formed a relationship with the man. He had helped Jerry to understand the supernatural world so that the man would be better able to protect himself.

"He phoned me, asking for my help with a plane crash."

"I haven't heard anything about a plane crash." A plane of any type usually made national news. The fact it remained unreported made him suspicious.

"It wasn't a plane full of children. The crash had seven survivors and it was by questioning them we discovered a possessed man had opened the pressure sealed hatch. To prevent another plane crash we had to go on a plane and perform an exorcism mid flight."

"Shit, how did you manage to get on the plane and make it though the flight?" He was one of the only people who knew how much Dean hated to be confined to small places without any chance of a quick exit.

"Hummed some metallica songs. After twenty minutes, I turned all of my focus on the job. I didn't want my uneasiness to be used against me by the demon. Through the entire flight and hunt, Sam kept looking at me oddly. It wasn't until we got back to the motel that he kissed me."

Unwilling to cast judgement on Sam's actions without knowing why Sam had kissed Dean without warning he asked, "Did he at least explain why he kissed you?"

"I didn't wait for an explanation. I just had to get out of the motel room."

"Does Sam know you are here?" He knew that Sam would be worried about Dean's state of mind and safety.

"No."

"You need to let him know your okay."

He looked out across the front yard and attempted to calm his emotions to the point where his answer to Bobby wouldn't be rude. "Sam doesn't need to know my every movement. I need time to relax. I am not going to get that with Sam by my side."

"I understand that you need a little space from him, but you need to let him know you're safe and okay."

"How can you even understand what I need?"

"You can't keep pushing people away every time they get to close. Can you honestly tell me that you don't feel the same way towards him? If anyone else had done this to you and it wasn't wanted you would be in a police cell right now on an assault charge."

Taking a breath, he found the strength to reply with words that were painful. "This has happened to me before and I never ended up in a police cell."

"What John did does not compare to Sam's kiss. Sam loves you and I know he would never hurt you."

"Dad loves me but he still hurt me. What Sam did may have been different but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

Knowing that the next words he spoke would only draw Dean's anger towards him, he calmly asked, "How has Sam hurt you?"

"He lied to me. He told me he was ready to be a big brother but he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He only wants one thing from me and it's nothing to do with love."

He could only shake his head in sadness at Dean's low opinion of himself. Sam's love wasn't something that came with strings attached. He had to help Dean realize that. "Why do you believe Sam would use you?"

"It's all I'm good for."

"Dean, sit down." As he patiently waited for Dean to get seated and comfortable, his anger for John grew even more. That man had turned Dean into an emotional, scared young man. Where most men of Dean's age would be full of confidence, Dean was sadly lacking. "Do you believe a person who had experienced a harsh childhood should be denied any kind of happiness as an adult?"

"No."

"Why do you believe that happiness isn't an emotion you should be allowed to have?"

Looking at some unseen point on the porch, he replied. "When I was a kid I always had to be perfect in everything I did. Every weapon I cleaned took hours because it had to be perfect. If someone passed comment on how I had cleaned those weapons I took it as a failure."

"Every person goes though a period in their life when things have to be done in a precise manner. There is nothing wrong with a little perfection."

"Most people can stop before that need for perfection gets obsessive. I couldn't stop Bobby. With me, it reached the stage when every time dad would raise his voice to me I would start cleaning a weapon. I even cleaned a gun when the impala was parked outside a police station. That isn't normal behaviour."

"When did you stop?"

"I never managed to stop completely. I am not so obsessive about it now but with Sam and I being in close quarters again the tension between us has become unbearable. To deal with some of that tension, I clean all the weapons we have. Sam always thinks that I am just being a perfectionist when it comes to weapons maintenance. He doesn't realize that I am doing it to deflect certain responses from him."

"Sam is nothing like John. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He just wants you to be happy," Bobby said. He couldn't quite believe that he was being so free with his emotions, but Dean didn't need his usual gruffness.

"I know Sam isn't like dad, but sometimes he does things that remind me of dad and it scares me. I hate feeling like that."

"Why do you so feel so guilty for feeling something so normal?"

Curling his lips slightly in disgust at how emotional the conversation was becoming he said, "I've seen supernatural beings that would scare the sane, insane. Not once did I feel any fear. My childhood wasn't … conventional, but I can't use that as an excuse for being scared."

"Stop trying to dismiss what John has done to you. He took away your childhood. Don't let him take away Sam."

"What are you, my therapist?"

"Don't attempt to stop this conversation with a joke. You came to my house for a reason. It wasn't to tell me about the kiss. We both know that Sam has no hidden agenda so why are you here?"

"It's … stupid." He paused, but was unable to hold in the words that burst out. "Fuck, first you start acting like my therapist and now you're like some chick with PMS. I'm not going to share all of my secrets with you."

"I'll let the swear word and insults pass for now. I'll put it down to the nature of this conversation. I have watched you grow up and I consider you the son I never had. I bitterly regret that I didn't know badly John treated you. I want to help you Dean."

"How Dad chose to raise me wasn't your fault."

"Who do you blame yourself? What John did isn't your fault. There are just some people who should never be parents."

"He is still my dad. Without him, I wouldn't be who I am today."

"Who you are has nothing to do with that man. Any kindness, compassion and good nature you have comes from your mom. John has only given you the life of a soldier."

"Don't talk about my dad like that. He may have made many mistakes, but he is still my dad. You have no right to bad mouth him."

"I owe John nothing. I only want you to feel safe and comfortable with me. I want you to be able to tell me what bought you here."

"Sam…"

"It has nothing to do with a kiss."

"Damn it Bobby give me a chance to complete a sentence. Sam kissed me and that may have been what caused me to drive to your house. It's not why I am here. Sam …he loves me more than a brother should. I'm not stupid to miss the way he looks at me. Dad used to look at me the same way. I know Sam isn't like dad, but I don't want to take the risk. I don't want to fail."

John was going to pay for what he had done to Dean. In the past few days, Bobby had gone from wanting to kill John to making the man suffer. Now he wanted the man to know what it was like to lose everything he valued. It was petty of him to want to inflict that type of punishment on John, but he felt as if it was justified. "When have you ever failed at anything?"

"When I was on a hunt with dad I was never quick enough with a gun. He would always get injured."

"I would bet that those injuries are no more serious than bruise or a cut that may have required a few stitches. Those types of injuries are commonplace for hunters. You can't stop them from happening."

"He broke an arm once. I could have stopped that from happening."

"Was the cause a hunt or a bar fight."

"It was a hunt that involved an angry spirit who liked to hurt kids." It had never occurred to Dean that when the hunt had taken place he was 14. To most people he was still a kid at that age. For him, his childhood had ended the moment the abuse had begun.

"How old were you when this hunt took place?"

"Old enough."

"That means John used you as bait to draw out the spirit. Most spirits are violent and you can never predict their reactions or behaviour. It was the spirit who injured John, you are not responsible."

"I should have been better prepared."

"Dean, you are not a failure. No one can be prepared for every event in life. The relationship you have with Sam will not be perfect, but nothing ever is. You need to accept that."

Licking his lips Dean asked, "What happens if I have too many flashbacks? I have never been the best at expressing my emotions. I can't relate to most people. I view most with distrust. How long will it be before Sam gets fed up with me and leaves?"

John was definitely going to lose everything. He would make sure hunters only gave John the smallest amount of information to complete a hunt. There would be no easy or endless supply of weapons. John would have to work harder. "Sam will never leave you."

"We didn't have any contact for six years. How can I accept him as more than a brother when I don't know if he will stay with me?"

"Do you trust Sam?"

"Yes." Dean's answer had been said so quickly and without hesitation that he knew it was the truth. That simple knowledge filled him with a happiness he rarely felt.

Bobby got up from his seat, took his cell phone from a nearby table and flipped it open. Keeping an eye on Dean, he quickly hit speed dial button 1. As soon as he heard ringing, he gave the phone to the younger man and said, "Talk to Sam, let him know you're okay."

Dean listened to the ringing cell phone as he watched Bobby walk back into the house. He got up from his seat and began to walk down the porch steps. He was just ten feet from the porch when the ringing stopped and he heard Sam's voice.

"Dean, where are you?" Sam demanded worry coming though with every word he spoke. For the past five hours, he had been frantic with worry about Dean's safety and well-being.

"Bobby's."

Touching his nose briefly, he was thankful that Dean had done nothing more than bruise it and cause a bad nose bleed. "I'm a ten minute walk away from Bobby's. Stay where you are. We have to talk about the kiss."

"You don't have to come here. Everything is okay between us." He knew that he trusted Sam, but that talk wasn't something he wanted to do right now.

Sam was thankful that to all outward appearances, he looked like a trustworthy, harmless guy. It had made hitch hiking to Bobby's easy. People stopped for him because he reminded them of a relative. "No, it isn't Dean. We need to talk and I'm not going to let you run from it."

"Fine," Dean muttered. He could hear from the sounds Sam made as he walked that he didn't have ten minutes to prepare himself for that talk. He closed the cell phone and put it in his pocket. He then waited for Sam to appear.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Dean, we need to talk." Just three feet separated him from Dean but it felt like miles.

Staring back at Sam, he calmly replied. "Talk."

One-worded answers usually meant that Dean was on edge or preparing himself against an attack. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation but he wasn't going to ignore the kiss. He wouldn't tell Dean a lie just so they could resume there role as brothers. "I'm not going to apologize for the kiss. I meant it. I should have been a little more careful about how it happened, but I don't regret it. I love you Dean. I can't go back to being your brother."

"You can't love me."

"How can I not love someone who makes me smile? I love you Dean. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you."

"Don't ask me to love you that way. I'm your brother. That is all I can be."

"Why are you so resistant to a relationship with me? What is it that makes me such bad boyfriend material?"

"I want an older brother. I don't need a partner who will take…"

"Advantage of you," Sam said completing Dean's sentence. "I would never take advantage of you."

"For six years there was no contact between us. We have been hunting together for two months. How can that be enough for you to see me as a lover? You don't know me that well."

"When you told me what dad had done to you I knew we had that trust between us again. I know all I want to know about you."

Snorting in disbelief Dean said. "One conversation about dad isn't enough to know you love me like that. You don't know who I am. You have this picture of who I am but it's not the truth. You want to believe that dad's abuse affected me, but it did, but I am not a scared little boy. I don't want a relationship with you Sam. I'm not going to be the person you use to scratch that itch."

"I would never use you like that."

"Bullshit. What do you know about me Sam?"

"I know you are a kind-hearted, caring person who puts others needs before his own. You instinctively knew how to connect with Lucas. You helped him to come to terms with his dad's death. Despite everything that has happened, you show warmth and compassion towards people."

"I'm not that person. Sure I help people, but it's for my own selfish needs."

"Don't do this to me Dean. Don't stand in front of me and lie. You help people because you like the satisfaction of knowing you were the one to bring peace to their lives. You have helped hundreds of people realize that those things they have seen or heard and can't explain are real."

"You make me sound like some kind of white knight. This is not a fairytale. Our problems cannot be solved with a few words. What I get from this life is all for me."

Sam began to pace back and forth trying to work out some of the frustration he felt in each step he took. Dean couldn't take a compliment. Each one he had made was rebuffed. Their dad had left Dean with such low self-esteem. Stopping his pacing he turned to Dean and asked, "Offering yourself up as bait so the campers could escape the wendigo was selfish?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I'm not remembering it right, but how exactly were your actions selfish."

"I wanted to be the one who saved the day. I wanted that adulation from those camp survivors. I wanted at least one person to show me a little gratitude for a job well done." As soon as those words had left his mouth, he knew he had said too much.

Taking a step closer to Dean, Sam said, "He isn't here Dean. You don't have to be perfect. You don't need to find a way to avoid uncomfortable situations. I'm not going to ask you to do something you won't like. I'm your older brother and I would like to be your partner. I'm not going to force you into anything. I'm not like him."

Feeling uncomfortable with the way Sam was standing so close to him, he took a few steps backwards. "You are like dad in so many ways. When you get angry with me you act in the same way he did."

"I have never hit you. I don't abuse you in any form. How can you compare me to that man?"

"You order me about like I'm some kind of lapdog. One minute you are the brother I remember and the next you want to be my partner. You have said things to me that … make me revert to old habits of cleaning weapons more than necessary."

"If I have hurt you in any way I am sorry. I know that I have a temper. It's one of the things I share with dad. I wish I could change that. I would never intentionally hurt you."

"We can't be partners in anything other than hunting. I told Bobby that I trust you but that doesn't mean we can have that relationship you want."

"Why not?"

Although they were just two short simple word, it was a loaded question. It would be a lie to say he couldn't see himself as Sam's partner. He did love Sam and that scared him. Most of the people he had loved and trusted always left him. Despite Bobby's reassurance that Sam would never leave him, he couldn't really believe it. "When we find dad and kill the YED what are your plans for the future? I know that you and Bobby are not going to welcome him back into the fold with open arms. Once this conversation is over you will most probably get together with Bobby and plan some kind of fucked up revenge. That revenge would only ease the guilt you both feel. I don't need to be protected or have vengeance performed on my behalf. You will always want to do those things for me and I can't live like that."

"It's perfectly natural for a partner, brother or uncle to be protective. That isn't a reason to dismiss any chance of a relationship we could have. Tell me why you can't see us being in a relationship."

He walked away from Sam just to put some space between the two of them. He wanted a cigarette or something to hold in his hands. He needed a small distraction; something to ease his mind and keep his thoughts at a slower pace. Licking his lips, he raised his head to look up at Sam. "How long will you stay with me."

"I'm not going to leave you. We are hunting together and I don't want that to change."

"Why would you stay?"

For two minutes, all he could do was stare at Dean. He knew that his reply should have been instantaneous and without hesitation, but he was too shocked to speak. How could Dean believe that he would leave after everything he had said? Before he could reply, Dean spoke first.

"The fact you still haven't answered my question proves you are going to leave. I'm not going to put up with that, so go back to that apartment and resume your normal life."

"Fuck Dean just how many times do I have to tell you I won't leave? I like hunting with you again. Getting to know you again has been great. I'm not going to risk losing all of that again. I want to be with you."

"You like hunting with me. You want to be with me. Do I look like some chick that needs to be comforted? With the words you are using you would think I'm a kid who doesn't understand big words. Go back to that life you have."

Taking several calming breaths, he knew that Dean was attempting everything possible to get him to leave. He wasn't going to prove Dean's warped viewpoint that everyone left him. Keeping his voice calm he said, "Dean you don't need to push me away I'm not going to abuse your trust. Nothing you can say to me will get me to leave. I love you Dean."

"How can you put up with me? I... I have these nightmares where I am reliving memories of certain events. When I wake up my throat is sore because I have been screaming. I hate anyone who attempts to take control from me. I have trust issues. How can you love that? How can you want to be with me?"

"I love you Dean. It doesn't matter about the nightmares. I will help you work though them."

Biting his lower lip, he made an effort to stop the tears from falling. He didn't want to get emotional in front of Sam. He didn't want to be seen as weak. "You can't help me."

Sam took several steps closer to Dean, reached out with his hand and gently touched him on the arm. When that small touch wasn't shrugged off, he pulled Dean into a hug.

When Sam pulled him into a hug, his first reaction was to struggle. He placed his hands on Sam's chest in an attempt to get free. It only made Sam hug him tighter. Beginning to feel trapped and unable to stop the rising panic, he stamped on Sam's foot. He had not used that action since he was a young child. When even that failed in his attempts to get free, he finally gave in and let Sam hug him.

Once Dean had had stopped struggling and relaxed, Sam loosened his hold slightly. He only felt the smallest amount of guilt for holding Dean in a way that caused panic.

"I know that there will never be enough words I can say that will reassure I won't leave. I know that you trust me, but there will always be times when that trust isn't 100 percent. I love you Dean and there is nothing you can do that will change how I feel."

Finally wrapping his arms around Sam's waist, he whispered, "Promise?"

"I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes: **This chapter was written so many times and I'm only just a bit happy with it. I tried to make the conversation angsty, but not sappy and overly emotional. Thank you to my beta Mago186.

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"Are you absolutely sure that meeting with John like this is a wise idea?" She asked. She had long waited for the day when Dean would feel confident enough to confront his dad. She knew that as a child Dean had only known what it was like to live the life of an army recruit. She knew things had happened to Dean that broke the laws of both decency and legality. She could have intervened and helped Dean. She could have ensured that Dean had a normal childhood, but she didn't. She knew that his life would be hard and full of obstacles that a normal upbringing could never prepare him for. She knew that he would have to suffer though the hard times to help survive the harsh future to come. The future she had seen for him was filled with good things as well as the bad. A loving relationship with his brother would bring him the happiness that he more than deserved. The power she had sensed in him as a child would make itself known, but only once he was more settled within himself. She had often felt guilty for not trying to stop the way Dean had been raised. That guilt was part of the reason she had agreed to help Dean set up a meeting with John.

"I don't have a choice." He still had a headache from his dream about Sam killing their dad. A death that had been far too real for him to dismiss. It had been one of the reasons he had asked Missouri to set up a meeting with his dad.

"Yes you do. No one is forcing you to do this. You can still walk away."

"What would you tell dad?" It would be a lie if he didn't admit to himself that confronting his dad scared him.

"Did you know that there has been a higher than normal number of possessions in Denver? These possessions are the prelude to something big. It could be that yellow eyes is beginning to gather an army."

"He would already know about those possessions."

"John doesn't know everything about the supernatural world. There are some things that he is painfully naïve of. The YED would not build or prepare for a war where it can be easily discovered. It is something that would be done slowly with cunning and intelligent, detailed planning."

With a small smile at just how devious Missouri could be he said, "It's a believable lie, but it doesn't change anything. I have to do this."

It may look as if she was attempting to persuade Dean not to confront his dad, but she wasn't. She just wanted Dean to know that he could change his mind and she wouldn't think any less of him. "Why are you so determined?"

"I had a dream."

"This dream…was it too realistic to be a dream?"

Running a weary hand over his head he sighed and said. "It was a vision."

"How does it make you feel now that your psychic abilities are finally becoming visible?" She wanted any conversations about Dean's physic abilities to go at a slow pace. She still wasn't too sure how well Dean had accepted his gift.

"It left me with a headache that still isn't gone after four days."

Suffering from headaches after experiencing a vision was common amongst pyshics. To still have a headache after four days was unusual. It meant the visison had been an extremely powerful one. "What did the vision show you?"

"Sam and dad were in a motel room. Dad was tied securely to a bed that had a ring of salt around it. Sam was sitting in a chair that was at the end of the bed. They both got into a heated conversation about me. Sam killed our dad. He shot our father and walked out of the motel room and just left him there to die."

In a calming soothing voice she said. "How can you be so sure that Sam killed John? Did the vision show you the exact moment of his death."

"The bullet hit the side of his neck. No one survives that, not even him."

"I'm sorry the vision showed you something so violent. You have to realise that confronting John like this may not change what happens. This could just be something that needs to happen for the vision to become a reality."

He slowly began to pace around the small length of the kitchen. All he had to do to confront his dad was open the closed kitchen door, walk along the small hallway and then into the lounge. It was just a serious of small actions. He knew that confronting his dad could make his vision a reality, but it could also be the very thing that prevented it. He stopped pacing placed his hand on the door handle, pushed it down and opened the door a couple of inches. "I need to do this."

"I'll be right here if you need me," Missouri said quietly. She still had some reservations about allowing Dean to confront John, but she couldn't stop him. All she could do was support him.

Opening the door all the way he said, "Thank you."

He stepped though the open door and walked down the small hallway into the lounge. For several silent minutes all he could do was stare at his father. The man that sat in front of him wasn't as big as he remembered. The size of his dad used to scare him. He could remain standing so that he held some power over his dad, but he chose not to. He chose to sit in a small comfortable chair opposite his dad. He wasn't going to play petty mind games with his dad just to score points. He just wanted to be as comfortable as possible for what he knew was going to be a long conversation.

"Dad."

"Why are you here and not with your brother on a hunt?"

He wasn't going to question how his dad knew Sam was hunting with him. He wasn't going to allow the paranoid part of himself to believe his dad was spying on him. He just forced himself to relax more. "He is with Bobby on another hunt."

"They send you here to keep you out of the way? What did you do to them?"

He was speaking to his dad for the first time in months and there had been no warm welcome. His dad didn't ask how he had been. There had been no concern. All his dad had done was attempting to start an argument. He knew that at some point during the conversation he would lose his patience and temper, but he wouldn't let it happen within the first few minutes. He wasn't going to answer his dad's demanding question. It wasn't going to be a conversation his dad had any control over. "There is no meeting with Missouri. She has no information for you. You are here to talk to me."

"All of this was arranged just to get me here? Being here without a good reason is a waste of my time and resources. Any conversation you want to have with me can wait." John was angry that Dean had used Missouri to arrange this meeting.

"It can't wait dad."

"Yes it can. Whatever has got you so disobedient does not deserve any of my time. I will not allow this temper tantrum of yours to take up anymore of my time."

His dad's words were designed to hurt him. Dean knew that his dad was attempting to gain control of the conversation. He wasn't going to lie to himself and say that his dad's words didn't hurt, because they did. He could feel his old defences slowly slipping back into place. Despite his dad's words the man had made no attempt to leave. "If you don't want to be here leave."

Narrowing his eyes at Dean's words, he knew that he wouldn't be the one to back down. He wouldn't allow Dean to push him into leaving. Leaving now would give him the appearance of a coward. "Has Sam grown tried of you?"

Refusing to break eye contact with his dad, he calmly replied, "I'm not a child anymore. I never had the chance to be. If you want to use Sam against me in this conversation do it in an adult manner."

"Dean," he paused for a couple for minutes. His youngest son, the one he had had been sure would never disobey him and follow him to the hunt's eventual end was acting like Sam. It was obvious to him that Sam's influence on Dean had not been a good one that would need to change. "You are my son, but if you continue to speak to me with that tone of voice I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"What are you going to do to me that hasn't already been done?"

"You had a good childhood. It may have been unusual, but there was nothing you went without."

"Bullshit."

"How dare…"

Interrupting his dad's attempt at defence he said, "Do you remember the friend you left me with for a few days? The friend who attacked me and took what was left of my innocence. You chose to believe your friends piss poor explanation of what happened, over the truth I was telling you."

"You lied to me. I served with Steve; he is a man I trust with my life. You were a selfish teenager who craved attention and you didn't seem to care where that attention came from."

"Why after six years do you still believe I lied?"

"Steve saved my life countless times. He would never harm a child. For you to claim he raped you is vindictive. Instead of taking you back to his house, I should have gone to the nearest police station."

Shaking his head he replied. "The police would have taken the time to listen to what I had to say. They would have used medical tests to prove that I was telling the truth. For days afterward I couldn't sit still for too long. I still flinch every time someone who looks like him gets too close. How can you still tell me that I lied?"

"You have always been good at playing any part required of you."

"You still think I'm lying."

"I know you are. No one would want to touch you in any kind of sexual manner. You are just not that good."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say that Sam loved him, but he didn't want to give his dad something else to use against him. At the moment his dad was only taking small digs at him. He wasn't going to lose his temper just so his dad could be proved right in some screwed up way. "It doesn't matter if you can't believe what I'm telling you. I know what happened. Your friend was a paedophile."

"He was a scout leader. He provided entertainment for kid's parties. People trusted him with their children. That is not the kind of trust which any parent gives easily."

He could say John Wayne Gacy had been a respected member of the community. He could also say that the man would hold regular fundraising parties for charities and kids, but he didn't. He didn't say a word about how a man who appeared to be so good had killed so many people. It would have just led to an argument about having too much knowledge on serial killers. All he had ever done was watch the biography channel whenever it was available in the motels they had stayed in. "Why did you treat me so differently after I told you about Steve?"

"I couldn't trust you."

"Do you remember when I broke my nose?"

"Yes." John could still remember when Dean had disappeared for a few hours. He had never been worried or given any serious thought to where his son could have gone. He just assumed Dean had found a hunt on his own. A hunt that he had never participated in. Dean's broken nose had been something he had dismissed as an injury from the hunt.

"You still don't remember how it happened."

"You screwed up on a solo hunt. Does it really matter if I can't remember a simple injury?"

"Simple," Dean took a simple breath, silently counted to ten and reminded himself just why he was having this conversation with his dad. "You broke my nose."

He couldn't remember hitting Dean, but there were certain parts of his life he couldn't recall. He usually put that memory loss down to the injuries he had received from various hunts. He didn't want to admit to himself that the amount of alcohol he consumed was responsible for his memory loss. "I would never hurt you like that."

Unable to stop the short bark of laughter he said. "You … did far worse things to me than a broken nose."

"Like what exactly, did I hurt your feelings?"

He wanted to tell his dad about the time he had raped his own son, so he could gain a little bit of closure. It wasn't worth the trouble. He couldn't allow his dad to have anymore power over him. He wasn't going to be held responsible for how his dad reacted. "There are some things that hurt more than words. Why did you treat me differently from Sam?"

"Sam is all Winchester. He has all of the good points of me and Mary. You are the reason Mary died. Without you, Sam and I would never have known what the life of a hunter would be like."

His dad's words about the man he knew so little about struck deep. He had always felt responsible for his mom's death, even though he had only been six months old when it happened. It didn't help that his dad was confirming his long held fears. Determined not to let his dad see how much those words had affected him he kept all emotion from his face. "So what did I do as a baby, summon a demon and set fire to my own nursery."

"Do not treat your mother's death as joke."

"If I was joking I'd be smiling and telling you about the zombie chicken that crossed a road. Mom's death has never been a joke for me I want to know why you blame me for her death. I want you to tell me why it's my fault the Winchesters are hunters."

"Mary was trying to protect you from the demon. She didn't realise that that the demon was only trying to take you back."

For several seconds all he could do was stare at his dad in disbelief. He had always known his dad was obsessed with the yellow eyed demon but this took things to a new low. Moving forward in the chair he calmly asked, "Am I connected to the demon?"

"He did something that changed you."

"How can you possibly know what changes a baby? At six months old I was still developing and growing. I didn't do anything that wasn't like any other baby. How can you sit there and tell I'm connected to the demon that killed mom."

"How can you know that your actions as a baby were normal? You can't use Sam as a viable source of information he was far too young to remember anything."

"I was a normal baby."

A small part of John was screaming at him to stop talking. That part of him wanted to protect Dean from what he was going to say. It was just a shame that any concern he had for Dean was buried too deep for it to have any affect on his actions. "You were such a quiet baby. All of those milestones you eagerly wait to happen to your child came and went far too quickly. At nine months old you were walking and at two you were doing mathematical equations that a 12 year old would have trouble with. You were so damn smart. It should have been something that I took pride in. My son was a genius, but it just confirmed something for me."

"What did it confirm?"

"The demon made you a part of him."

He wanted to laugh at his dad and share in what he hoped was a joke. He knew that it was useless to hope for the impossible. His dad had never joked about the demon. "A part of him?"

"Do I really have to put this in easy to understand words? Are you that dense you can't understand what I am telling you? You are more like the demon than me or Mary."

He got up from the sea and resisted the urge to pace. He would not let his dad see how much the conversation was affecting him. "You honestly believe I'm not your son."

"Yes."

"You almost sound happy that I'm not your son. Hell, if it was true don't you think I'd be the first one to celebrate? You can't escape the facts of DNA. How can you seriously believe such bullshit?"

"There is nothing about you that I can point to and say that's what he got from me. I'll admit that you have these small mannerisms that remind me of Mary, but that's not enough. You look nothing like me. There is nothing that would let people know we are related. With Sam, it's obvious he is a Winchester, but you are just too different."

"So I'm nothing like you. It's not as if that is a big loss to the world. You know I'm your son. Hell, no matter how much I wish it wasn't true, I can't get away from it."

Casually getting up from his seat John looked at his son. Dean was becoming more confident with each minute that passed. He was becoming a lot more defiant and it wasn't something he liked. Dean should be more agreeable. It was like he was arguing with Sam. "Watch that tone. You are _not_ my son; no amount of denial on your part is going to change that."

Bowing his head for a few seconds, Dean tried to keep calm, but it was useless. Any silent promises he made to keep calm were gone. "When I was 14, the day after you broke my nose I bribed a doctor to run a DNA test. I told him that my dad was refusing to let me back into the house until I could prove I was his kid. I even cried. I pulled on every one of the doc's heartstrings and it worked."

"You couldn't have done something so..." pausing for a few seconds to find a suitable word before adding, "smart. For starters you would need my DNA and that is not something I would willing give to you."

"How much do you know about DNA?"

"Enough"

With a small smirk he said, "A blood soaked towel that you should have burned was all I needed to give to the doctor."

"You had no right."

"It's odd that you honestly believe your rights are worth a damn when it concerns me. The DNA tests confirmed you are my dad. You have no idea how disappointed I was with those results. For the two days I waited for those results I could hold onto the hope I had a dad who loved me."

"How dare you be so disrespectful? I raised you better than that."

"I never respected you in the first place." With a grim smile he stepped closer to his dad. Even though the thought of being so close to his dad sent a shiver of fear though him he didn't let it show. Squaring his shoulders he looked at his dad and said, "I always used to look at you in fear. I can't remember a time when I loved you. I tried to tell Sam that you did care for me and I was important to you, but it wasn't true. Tell me dad, did I ever matter?"

For several seconds, all John could do was look at Dean. It would be so easy for him to pull Dean apart. He could so easily take away the newfound confidence Dean had. It would leave him vulnerable and easy to mould into the perfect solider again, but he couldn't do it. That little voice he had for so long ignored finally became something he listened to. "You matter Dean."

"In what way? As your son or just something that can be used to get closer to yellow eyes?"

Once again he couldn't answer Dean and he knew that his delayed answer was giving Dean all the answer he needed.

Stepping away from his dad, he walked over to the lounge door and opened it. There was nothing he wanted to hear from his dad. There were no more demands or lies that needed to be said. Looking at his dad he found himself staring at a man who was just a man. "I want you to do one thing for me."

"What do you want?"

"When you finally decide to see Sam again, what happened here doesn't get mentioned. You don't get to use this conversation as leverage."

Pleased that Dean had finally come out with something he could agree with he said, "Agreed."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes: **After flamers, and a severe case of writers block because of it, I finally have a new chapter. Once again thank you to my beta reader

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"I know."

He instantly knew that John had not kept his promise. Like a fool he had believed the meeting would remain a secret. It was frustrating to get a promise from the man only to have it be useless. Sam was never meant to find out that he had confronted John. It was something he had done for himself. Sitting on the Impala's hood he wanted to ask Sam why they had to have this conversation on a deserted road. Why couldn't it have taken place in a diner over a nice slice of pie? "Know what exactly?"

He knew that Dean was pissed off with him. They were barely a two hour drive away from the asylum. It was a hunt Dean refused to talk about. The meeting with John was only something he had found out about though a phone call from Missouri just minutes after leaving the asylum. Now he was worried. "John."

"Be more specific about him." He had no intention of just opening up and telling Sam everything he wanted to know. He wasn't in a sharing mood.

"After we left the asylum Missouri called. She told me all about the meeting with John. She is worried about you and so am I."

He could understand why Missouri was worried about him but with Sam he wasn't sure. "There is nothing to worry about."

"I know John was hard on you and he has a lot to answer for. I don't want you to feel as if the meeting with him is something you have to hide. I want you to share things with me."

Sam was in an emotional mood. That meant another long meaningful conversation where he was expected to co-operate. He wasn't in the mood to talk. He wanted to treat his injuries, sleep for 14 hours straight and swallow a few pills. "I'm not going to do this Sam. If you want to have a meaningful conversation call a damn talk show."

"Don't do this, please don't shut me out."

"What do you want me to do Sam? The meeting with John is not up for discussion. What I want right now is a decent slice of pie and some sleep."

"The damn pie can wait. We need to talk."

He wanted to move of the hood of the impala and go get some painkillers from the first aid kit in the trunk. That involved moving though and he just didn't have it in himself to move more than a few inches. He carefully placed one arm around his ribs in the vain hope he could ease his pain. It was obvious that he was injured but Sam didn't seem to notice. "Do you seriously expect me to just tell you everything?"

"I don't want you to hide things from me."

"The meeting with John happened. It's all you need to know."

"It's just not that simple. From what Missouri told me I know the meeting was your way of confronting him. You may even believe that it was a good thing to do with just Missouri as support, but John is dangerous."

He could feel his anger with Sam slowly begin to build. He wasn't a kid who needed to be reassured. He was an experienced hunter. John had just been another demon that he needed to confront. "I know the meeting with John was dangerous, I'm not stupid. It was something I had to do."

"You shouldn't have done it alone."

"Why?"

"He may not have been psychically abusive with you, but it's the words he used."

"Why it is so important for you to know what happened. Why can't you trust me enough to let it go?"

He could see how exhausted Dean had become. The dark circles around his eyes and the way he held himself wasn't normal. He knew that Dean had several injuries from the asylum that needed to be treated. Concern and worry for Dean was at the forefront of his mind, but he had to put it to one side. John was an issue that couldn't be ignored. "For the last few days things have different between us."

"What did you expect Sam. A few broken promises and I would give into any demand you made. You still don't understand that there are just some things I need to do alone. I can't suddenly stop years of habits just to make life easier for you."

He wanted to ask Dean how many times he would have to make promises. He loved Dean and would do anything for him. It was just slowly becoming harder to deal with Dean's constant mood and attitude changes. "Don't do this to us. I love you and I'm not asking you to change. I just want to protect you."

"How can you protect me when…?"

"When...?"

"One possession, a screwed up doctor and a demon with a thing for screwing with us will make it impossible. You can't protect me, when you can't even protect yourself."

"That isn't fair Dean. I keep apologising for the asylum. Those words, my actions were not my fault. I was possessed. I would never be so cruel to you."

He really wanted to laugh at the utter naivety of Sam's words. It was almost comical listening to him brush aside any reasonability for the injuries he had. If he was in a better may have mood he may have been willing to let Sam believe his excuses, but he wasn't. "You were never possessed. What took place in the asylum was a result of Ellicott using you as an experiment subject. You meant every damn word."

Looking at Dean he wanted to deny that deep down he didn't mean what he said at the asylum. He wanted to deny that there wasn't a part of him that enjoyed hurting Dean. It sickened him to have those feelings. "I love you Dean. Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. Ellicott may have made me angry enough to kill you, but it's just not that simple."

His eyes now red with tears he was holding back he replied, "The gun I gave you could have been loaded. You could have killed me. Tell me how that isn't simple."

"For six years I couldn't protect you from John. I just left for college and lived what I thought was a normal existence. For reasons that seem so damn so petty now I never made any real effort to contact you. I let myself believe you would be okay with him. The life I had in Stanford was good, but I could never relax and be the real me. When I'm with you I feel like I'm home. I can be who I am and I love you."

It wasn't the first time he had heard those words form Sam. Each time he heard them he was slightly dismissive. He never actually believed Sam loved him. If Sam did love him, why couldn't he have made more of an effort to resist Ellicott? "Why couldn't you resist Ellicott? Why did you try to kill me?"

"It seems so stupid but it was a frustrating anger."

"That is the only excuse you have?"

"It's not an excuse. You wanted a reason why I couldn't resist Ellicott and I'm trying to explain. Those little digs and sarcastic comments you keep making are not making it easy."

"Tell me why, without any hesitation."

"I don't want to be your brother. It's never going to be enough for me. I want to be your lover. I want to wake up each morning with you in my arms."

Tears slowly beginning to slip down Dean's cheek as he very carefully got up from the Impala's hood. He made sure the keys were in his hand. He needed that reassurance of a quick getaway, even if any movement he made was painfully slow. "I can either be your brother or lover."

"I'm not giving you an ultimatum."

"Sure sounds like you are to me."

"I love you. I want to be your partner. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Sam wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but a small fear of how Dean would react at being touched stopped him from moving.

"I haven't known what it's like to have you as my brother for years. During the past few months you have been more like a friend who protects me. I want a big brother, but we will never be brothers again. We've lost that connection. We can, we could be partners."

Unable to hide the shock from his voice he said, "We can, but…"

"I won't change my mind Sam. I know I told you about the problems I have with certain things, but I've had enough of denying myself what I want. I'm not going to let him ruin any chance at happiness I can get."

Stepping closer to Dean he reached out and took hold of Dean's hand. He began to gently rub circles on Dean's hand, attempting to offer some comfort and reassurance. "I love you. I have always loved you more than a brother should."

Dean smiled, and for the first time in years it was a smile for Sam. "John told me so many things in that meeting."

"You don't have to tell me."

"The one thing he will never know, that only Missouri knows, is that I have visions." Dean waited for a few seconds, expecting laughter or mocking, but when there was none he continued speaking. "I had a vision of you confronting John."

"What happened?"

He didn't want to share all the details of his vision with Sam. It could be the one thing that caused it to come true. "You don't need to know."

"Dean…"

Letting go of Sam's hand he looked him in the eye and said, "The vision left me with a headache that lasted a few days. I don't want a repeat experience."

Sam decided he wasn't going to ask Dean anymore more questions about John. The asylum hunt was never going to be something they talked about in detail. It was a shock to find out that Dean had visions, but it didn't change how he felt. It just made him a little more protective. He knew other hunters would not be so understanding. "It's okay Dean. The visions are a part of you. If you want to talk about them I will listen. All I want right now is the car keys."

"What…"

"You are not in any fit state to drive to the nearest motel. So give me the car keys and I'll drive us there."

For a moment he thought about reminding Sam about the last few hours of driving he had done. It was a petty thing for him to do and would only start another argument. Sam driving the Impala would mean he could sleep. Without a single word he gave Sam the car keys.

"Get in the back. You can at least stretch out a bit more."

Dean was about to agree with Sam when his phone began to ring. Reluctantly he took it out of his pocket and locked at the screen. Caller unknown. It meant John was contacting him. He was in no mood to talk to John. He knew it could be a mistake, but he gave the phone to Sam.

Sam took the phone from Dean and flipped it open. "Hello."

"Where is Dean?"

For a few minutes Sam didn't answer John's demand. He quietly watched as Dean got onto the back seat of the Impala and lay down. He carefully closed the open door, so that Dean wouldn't be able to hear his conversation with John. Dean didn't look comfortable, but it was a far better place to sleep than the passenger seat. "What do you want?"

"There is a small town called Burkitsville in Indiana. Couples have been going missing on the same day, every year for the last three years. You both need to prevent it from happening again. Whatever is responsible for causing this to happen cannot go unchecked. The next disappearance is due to occur in three days."

Peering into the car he could see that Dean was now asleep. Even in sleep he didn't look relaxed. That would be something he changed once they were in a motel room. He had every intention of making sure Dean took a few days off. "We don't need to do anything. What you need to do is find someone who will help you."

Sam had always been stubborn, something they shared in common. At times it could be frustrating, but now it was just pissing John off. After six years away from the hunt Sam needed to prove his worth as a hunter. "You and Dean are the most qualified hunters."

Keeping a watchful eye on Dean he replied, "Find someone else."

"You don't seem to understand just how important this hunt is. Two people will die if you do nothing. Are you willing to be responsible for those deaths?"

Sam wanted nothing more than to find John and leave him bloodied in a nest full of hungry vampires. Violent revenge for all the suffering John had put Dean though was something he had spent many hours planning with Bobby. He knew if it acted on his plan he would never have a relationship with Dean. "Contact another hunter."

"Let me speak to Dean."

"No."

"He is my son."

He wanted to tell John those were words he had not used to describe Dean for a long time. He wasn't going to give John any opportunity to manipulate Dean. "Find someone else."

"There isn't enough time to contact another hunter."

"You don't have anyone else to ask? What happened to all of those hunters who would never let you down?"

"Sam…" How could John tell his son that someone had darkened his reputation? Other hunters no longer admired or respected the focus he had for the hunt. Now they openly disrespected him. No one wanted to be associated with him. The only information he could gather on his hunts had come though his hard work. "I'm not asking too much. I just want someone to save the couple."

Still watching a sleeping Dean, Sam hardened his resolve. He wasn't going to let John guilt trip him. "I'll tell you this one time. Dean and I are no longer hunters you can order about. After this call Dean's phone number will be changed. You will no longer be able to contact him."

John wasn't going to allow Sam to be so openly defiant. It was a good thing that Sam had willpower and confidence, but his current attitude was too much. He had made an attempt to ask nicely and that had been fruitless. Now it was the hard way. "Sam I have a two inch file of all the credit cards you applied for and received. I have copies of all the false claims you have made for health insurance. Hell, I even have old parking tickets you neglectfully left unpaid. All of this information can and will be used to put you in a jail cell."

Sam knew that he was guilty of crimes such as fraud and con jobs. He had broken so many laws just to maintain a basic standard of living. Attempting to sound unimpressed with John he asked, "Is that meant to scare me?"

John knew that he had Sam exactly where he wanted him. He wouldn't allow Sam and Dean to continue hunting together. They needed to be separated before Dean could influence Sam. "This file is in a safety deposit box, if you don't help me I will send the file to the police."

"That would cause trouble for both of us. Are you willing to risk a jail cell as well?"

"Detective, I had no idea my son could be so devious. I raised him with such strong morals. How could he do this to his family?"

"You were the one who forced me to apply for those cards. I had no idea how to defraud health insurance companies until you taught me. I committed those crimes when I was under the legal age for prosecution."

"With that piss poor knowledge of law you were going to law school? Sam, you may have committed those crimes while still a minor, but it doesn't change a damn thing. With the right judge you will get a long jail term. I believe they call it making an example of a person."

"You wouldn't do this to your own son."

"You need to understand that the hunt for the YED is important. You can't stop hunting with me just so you can stay with him."

"It's Dean and I will not leave him."

"You will help me with the hunt."

"No amount of threats will get me to leave Dean. I honestly don't think you're stupid enough to have a file of my so called crimes in a safety deposit box. You wouldn't take the risk of it falling into the wrong hands. I'm not joining any hunt you're on. I'm staying with Dean and you are going to forget we exist."

The threat of jail time was having no effect on Sam. From the way Sam was being so protective of Dean, John knew he had just one avenue left open to him. Deep down he knew that Mary would be ashamed of him for what he was about to do, but he had no other choice. Sam couldn't stay with Dean, it was far too dangerous. "You will leave Dean and join me on the hunt for the Yed or there will be consequences."

"Nothing will get me to leave Dean."

"You feel protective of Dean. You have this need to make up for the six years you neglected to contact him, I can understand that. He doesn't deserve that level of protection or love from you. I didn't want to tell you this, but your continuing denial to help me has forced my hand. Dean is not normal; the kid has been different since the day of the fire."

"I don't want to hear it," Sam said, raising his voice more than he wanted to.

"Sam," John replied, speaking in a softer, more understanding voice so that Sam would believe this was a hard thing to say. He continued, "The demon changed Dean. He isn't your brother he never has been."

Even with a strong will, Sam barely managed to keep his voice calm. He would not wake Dean. He wasn't going to allow John to warp his feelings for Dean. "Bullshit. Dean is my brother and not a damn thing you can say will change that."

Taking a breath, he ignored Mary's voice telling him not break apart their sons. Sam needed to be saved from Dean's influence. He was doing the right thing for his son. "The demon shared his blood with Dean. Do you think I like to admit that I witnessed Dean drinking a demon's blood?"

"He was a baby. You can't be sure that the demon's blood did anything to him."

John smiled. He knew that he was slowly changing Sam around to his way of thinking. "I never wanted to tell you about the demon blood. I may not have a good relationship with Dean, but I would never try to deny you from having one with him. For months after the fire I watched Dean closely. I refused to believe that he was anything other than my son. I ignored the feelings that the demon had changed him. Then I researched all of the other strange fires that were same as the one that killed Mary. Every baby in those fires survived. Dean is part of a group of people the demon has recruited for his army."

"He has spent his whole life hunting for the YED, why would work for the demon?"

"The blood changed him. All of the babies that survived the fire have developed abilities. If Dean hasn't developed any abilities he might be okay, but if he has, it's too dangerous for you to be with him. It would be in his best interest to leave him."

"I promised I would never leave him."

With those seven words John knew that Sam would be leaving Dean. He knew deep within his heart that Dean would never hurt Sam; the kid had a nature that was far too good. It was more than likely that the demon's blood had little effect on Dean and any abilities he developed could be just a little quirk of nature. "Are you willing to risk your life to find out if the demon's blood had no effect on him?"

Making as little noise as possible, Sam walked round to the trunk, opened it and took a bag he always kept packed. Closing the trunk with no sound he place his bag on the trunk and opened it. Reaching inside the bag he took out his cell phone. Tears forming at what he was about to do to Dean he said, "You will leave Dean alone. I don't want you to hurt him anymore than you already have."

"I promise."

"You can pick me up at the Bellend bus station. It's two miles from the Roosevelt Hospital in Rockford, Illinois. Don't be late." Without waiting for John's reply, Sam closed Dean's cell phone and gently pushed it though the slightly open passenger door window.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you to my beta**

* * *

Two months ago he had a life that was worth fighting for. He was slowly beginning to form a relationship with Dean. He had finally accepted that hunting with Dean was a huge part of what made him happy.

One phone call from John had changed everything.

He found himself believing John's words that Dean could have been affected by the demon's blood. He had justified leaving Dean as protecting him from John. It had taken him just two days to admit to himself that he had left because he believed some of what John had told him. Dean survived the fire that had killed their mom and that couldn't be a coincidence. Dean also had visions and that wasn't something most people possessed. He let himself believe that Dean could be a part of the demon's army. He had been so willing to believe that he _would_ be a part of the demon's army. He had been so willing to believe the worst of Dean and it disgusted him. He couldn't even blame John for manipulating him. He knew that Dean didn't have it in him to align himself with the demon. Dean would always be on the side of good.

He had been hunting with John for two months and it was hard ignoring the guilt he felt for leaving Dean. He had become a hunting partner to a man he claimed to hate. John had asked if he was willing to risk his life hunting with Dean. Fear had let him believe that Dean could hurt him. He betrayed the trust Dean had placed in him all because of fear.

Hunting with John wasn't something he wanted to do anymore. He couldn't listen to another lecture on research methods and correct way to clean weapons. He missed the presence of Dean. The decision to leave John was an easy one to make.

He knew which bus route would get him to Bobby's.

An interesting conversation with a woman called Meg about the difficulties of family and making the right decisions concerning them had just reinforced his decision to leave John. He already had a bag packed and more than enough money saved to make the trip to Bobby's. All he had to do was wait for John to get back from the local diner.

He didn't have to wait long. John walked into their shared motel room carrying takeout. That meant if he wanted to eat before he left John it would be greasy and half warm. He kept a watchful eye on John as he put the take out on the table and closed the door. He could see the way the John's eyes automatically scanned the room before coming to a stop on his bag.

"Are you going somewhere?"

He wasn't scared of John—hadn't been for a few years, but he wasn't stupid. He knew John was a dangerous man. It was why he had taken the precaution having a loaded gun tucked into his waistband. "I'm leaving."

"Why?" He had known Sam wouldn't stay with him for long. Each hunt they had done together was filled with too much tension and too many questions. Sam had begun to question the information he had found on babies who had survived fires that killed their mom's.

"I'm not giving all that I can to the hunts we do together. If I go on solo hunts we can chase down more leads for the YED."

What Sam was telling him made perfect sense. It would be easier for them to do solo hunts. He also knew it was utter bullshit. Sam wanted to go and find Dean. He wasn't going to let that happen. Sam needed to accept that Dean was deadly. "It would also be dangerous."

"Are you trying to draw out the hunt for the YED? The sooner we find him the better. It shouldn't matter how dangerous hunting alone is. It's all about killing the YED. Hunting together is just prolonging the search for it."

"Hunting alone is unsafe and just hastening your death. Do you really want to die alone? Are you willing to leave me without backup on a hunt?"

He wanted to tell John that Dean had been hunting on his own for the last two months. He didn't know the dangerous situations Dean had placed himself in and that bothered him. Just how much pain had Dean put himself though to finish a hunt? "You are an experienced hunter who plans every last detail of a hunt. You have hunted on your own before and managed okay. Why should my leaving now change anything?"

"I'm older now."

"Bullshit, age has never been worth a damn thing to you. I know of hunters ten years older than you that hunt alone."

John knew that Sam was beginning to find more reasons to leave than stay. He needed to keep Sam with him. He was willing to do anything to keep Sam with him. "I don't want to do this on my own."

A short bark of laughter came out. John was seriously in need of help if he believed that emotional blackmail was going to work. "I don't believe you. You have always been so confident in what you do. When Dean and I were kids you went on solo hunts that lasted for weeks."

"After Mary died I was full of anger. I was ready to fight anyone and everything in my need for vengeance. I had the energy to go on hunts that lasted for weeks at a time. I had a lot more focus and determination."

He knew that John had been enthusiastic in avenging his mom's death. He could remember the lonely weeks he spent trying to survive with Dean in a motel room. All those times he had learned to stretch food so it lasted for a week instead of three days. He remembered those days and it was painful. He wasn't going to let John use any of that for emotional blackmail. "That changes nothing. I'm still leaving to pursue my own leads on the YED."

"Do you have any leads?"

For a few brief seconds, Sam could think of nothing and he knew that John would get satisfaction from that. "I have enough to get started on."

John knew that Sam had nothing planned beyond finding Dean. It would make keeping Sam with him too easy.

He had no leads or any kind of information connected with the YED. The only information he had was just a slim chance that Bobby knew where Dean could be. It may be selfish of Sam, but he was more interested in finding Dean. Anything else remotely connected with the YED was secondary. "I'm not telling you."

Sam had never been able to lie to him. Sam could lie to perfect strangers with ease and that was something he took pride in. To keep Sam with him, he would have to be the perfect picture of a concerned and loving parent. "I understand that you want to hunt alone. I know it's not ideal for a grown man to be with his dad all the time, but we are better off together."

Sam wasn't going to allow John convince him to stay. He needed to find Dean. "I'm leaving. The hunts we do together are not enough."

"Did you expect the hunts to be the next big piece to killing the YED? You know it doesn't work like that."

"You can hunt alone."

Sam was determined to leave him and he wasn't happy with that. Without Sam he had no other support while hunting. He knew that it was unlikely Sam would change his mind about leaving, but he had to try— he had to try. He couldn't take the chance that Dean would persuade Sam to join the YED's army. He wasn't willing to lose another member of his family to the YED. "I know I can hunt alone. I'm perfectly capable of doing all the research and killing the supernatural creatures. It will be extremely hard and I'll get injuries that will leave me with more scars. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want you by my side."

"You managed to do hunts on your own before I rejoined you. What is so different now? What has changed?"

"Sam...

"Tell me why you are so determined to stop me from leaving. Hunters ten years older than you have managed to hunt alone. What makes you so different?"

Sam was now being disrespectful and demanding. His first instinct was to shout at his son and tell him that leaving wasn't a choice he had. He could continue to blackmail Sam with credit card fraud, but any proof he had no longer existed. He had destroyed all the evidence a couple of years ago. Convincing Sam to rejoin him on the hunt with credit card fraud was a lie he couldn't keep going. All he had left was emotional blackmail. He knew Mary would disapprove, but it was all he had. "Other hunters didn't have to deal with the YED."

"You honestly think that other hunters don't have it as bad as you, because of the YED? A lot of other hunters were in this life long before you. There have most probably been demons that are far more dangerous than the YED, but we just haven't dealt with any of them. I'm not staying with you."

"How long will you last without me?"

"Longer than you think. Find someone else to hunt with." Sam then picked up his bag, walked past John and opened the door.

"You walk out that door and that's it."

Sam didn't even bother turning round when John spoke. They were words he had heard nearly seven years ago. Seven years ago he was angry and upset that John could cut him off, now he was just relieved. John wasn't a person he had to worry about. He walked out of the door and towards the nearest bus station.

* * *

Dean had a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and his heart was beating a little too fast. He had made the right decision luring the ghost truck back to the spot where the old church used to be. The truck had just gone right though him, vaporizing as soon as it crossed into hallowed ground. He had managed to help Cassie and bring an end to a string of racially motivated killings.

It had been another successful hunt.

Once his heart was beating at a normal pace again, his grip on the steering wheel relaxed. Taking his phone out of the glove compartment he flipped it open and pressed number 3. It rang for just a few short seconds before it was answered.

"Dean is everything okay? Mom and I are worried about you." Worried was an understatement. She and her mom had been bordering on panic. Since finding out just how dangerous Dean's hunts could be, they were worried he wouldn't come back alive.

"I'm fine. The truck won't cause a problem anymore."

"Thank you so much for helping us. We didn't know who to turn to and mom didn't want to contact John."

He let out a small chuckle. The last time Mrs Robertson had met John it had ended with an argument about poor parenting. She didn't like John, but every time he visited Cassie and her mom it was almost like having a loving family for a few days. "Is your mom okay?"

"Dean, you can call her mom, you know? She would be honoured if you did. Why don't you come back to the house for a few days? Mom would love to get another chance to spoil you." She wanted her friend to stay in one place for longer than his usual three days. She wanted him to relax.

"I can't, I have another hunt lined up." It wasn't a hunt he had planned on doing, but he couldn't ignore a vision about a man being killed by an impossible force. He had to go the way to Saginaw, Michigan to stop it from happening.

"Can't someone else do it?"

"Cassie, I have to do this."

She wasn't going to try to convince Dean any further or convince him to stay in town a few days. It wouldn't work. She knew if she tried it would just lead to an argument. She wanted Dean to be happy and to come back to visit, knowing he would always be welcome. "Come back and visit."

"I promise. I don't want to miss a chance to eat your mom's pie."

"Call more often and let us know that you're okay. Mom worries about you and so do I. Please be more careful."

"Cassie, I'll be fine. Tell your mom it won't be long before my next visit."

"I will, please take care." She knew she was repeating her words, but Dean never seemed to care a lot for his own welfare. He always seemed to value other people's lives above his own.

"Promise." He closed the phone and put it on the dashboard. It would have been nice to stay with Cassie and her mom for a few days, but he couldn't afford to get comfortable. He had to carry on with the hunt.

* * *

It had been a three hour bus ride, spent with screaming kids and arguing couples. Three hours thinking of all the things he could say to Bobby. How could he tell Dean's unofficial protector why he had chosen to hunt with John? Leaving John had been easy, but standing outside Bobby's front door was terrifying. He had so much to say, but he couldn't find the words to speak. Turning round, he began to walk back down the porch stairs. Maybe it would be wise to come back later when he had some idea of what to say.

"Don't move." Bobby ordered. He had been watching Sam for the last twenty minutes, hoping he would choose to knock. He had kept quiet as Sam stared at his front door looking scared.

Turning round Sam tried to look casual, but knew he had failed. "Bobby, how are things?"

Bobby kept silently repeating that Sam wasn't like John. He was willing to hear what Sam had to say, but it had better be good. "Come inside Sam."

He walked back up the porch stairs and though the front door Bobby held open. He walked into the kitchen and placed his bag on the table. He wasn't sure if he should sit down.

Once Sam was in the house he quickly thought of all the weapons he had within easy reach. He didn't trust Sam enough to be in the room with him weaponless. He wasn't going easy on Sam. The kid needed to realize just how badly he had fucked things up. "Sit down."

"Bobby..,"

Holding up his hand to stop Sam from going any further he asked, "What do you want?"

Even though it was hard, he looked Bobby in the eye and said, "I want help to find Dean."

Pulling out a chair from the table Bobby sat down. He knew where Dean was, even if the kid only contacted him on a weekly basis. He liked to know where Dean could be found at a moment's notice, as it was easier to protect him if the need arose. He also wanted to be sure that Dean wasn't risking his life more than was necessary. "Why are you asking for my help?"

"I know he would have kept in contact with you."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I just need your help to find him."

Dealing with the Winchesters when they didn't want to share information was difficult. Usually he would take his time getting the information he wanted, but he simply didn't have enough patience to do that. He had a great faith in Dean's ability as a hunter, but the kid needed company. He needed someone to protect his back and keep him sane. "I'm not going to be shocked with what you have to tell me. I already know you love him."

"I need to let him know why I left."

"What would stop you from leaving Dean again? What has changed that makes reuniting with Dean so important."

"John..."

"I know John can be a manipulative bastard. I don't think for one minute you left Dean in the Impala, injured and in the middle of nowhere without that man's input. You can't blame what you did to Dean on John's influence alone. You are a grown man and more than capable of forming your own opinions. So tell me why you have this sudden need to reconnect with Dean. What does he have that you suddenly need?"

"Without Dean I don't feel the same."

"That isn't a good enough reason. This has nothing to do with how you feel. I'm not about to help you find Dean just so you can feel better. You need a better reason."

"He is the only family I have that I love."

Bobby knew that Sam was getting close to the real reason as to why he wanted to find Dean. It wasn't all about feelings or family. It had everything to do with the relationship that Sam wanted to share with Dean. He knew that Sam wanted to protect Dean from the harsher side of life, but it wasn't that simple. "That isn't the reason you want my help. If that was true you would never have ignored Dean for six years."

"He has forgiven me for that. He knows that I didn't mean to do it."

"How would you feel if the only family member who claims to love you leaves and doesn't make any effort to contact you for six years?"

"Why are you rehashing all this? Dean and I have already had this conversation. He forgave me. It's not your forgiveness I'm asking for only your help."

"Answer the question."

In all the conversations Sam had with Dean concerning the past, Bobby's question had never been given any thought. "I wouldn't have been so easy to forgive. It would have always been at the back of my mind that he would leave again."

Bobby knew that Sam was finally beginning to understand the gravity of what he had done. "Now tell me why I should help you find him."

"I finally realize that I don't need to prove to John that I can be that perfect hunter. Dean always accepted the person I became after college. He did used to joke about how rusty my skills as a hunter could be. I miss all of the quirks he had. I miss him."

"Whether you like to admit it or not you have always been far too much like John. You both share the same stubborn tendency to always have to be the one who is right, even when you're not. You can't reunite with Dean still maintaining that view."

He wanted to deny that Bobby was telling him an obvious truth, but past evidence proved otherwise. The short time he had been with Dean was always filled with his need to prove that he knew how to look after him. He didn't want to reunite with Dean and settle back into the same routine. He wanted a relationship that would be equal. "I can't deny that I'm like John. I know that we are both stubborn, but I'm not going to lose any hope I have with Dean because of that. I want to be his partner in hunting and life."

"I know where Dean can be found. From the information I have managed to gather he is staying in Hibbing, Minnesota. He is investigating a man's disappearance."

"Thank you for helping me. You have no idea how much it means for me to be reunited with Dean."

Bobby knew that he had made the right decision in helping Sam. He couldn't let the kid go without making sure that he accepted this would be his last and only chance with Dean. He wouldn't help Sam again after this. "If by some chance you screw this up don't visit me again. I don't want to hear from you and any form of communication will be rejected. If you hurt Dean again, find a place to hide and pray that I never find you."


End file.
